Learning to Cope When God Closes the Door

Big decisions are often very hard to make, especially when many lives are impacted.  Earlier this year, our family was asked to consider adopting an 11 year old boy, and who is Carter's half-brother.  After months of praying and in full obedience to God, we kept walking through the doors just knowing God had led us down this path.  With each hoop we jumped through, it was abundantly clear that our family should proceed.  We met Amarrion via Skype, we met him in person as a family in April and we just kept getting confirmations that we should proceed to the next step.  We made all necessary preparations including buying a minivan, building an addition in the basement to accomodate each child, and finalizing our home study.  Each step of the long process just always felt right.  The next huge step was to have Amarrion come for a visit for three weeks.  The family was very excited, although, also nervous.  You never KNOW a person until you LIVE with him.  The good days were pleasantly good and the rough days were overly rough.  Each evening, Beau and I would literally just fall into bed without much conversation.  We were exausted, but still hopeful (most days). 

I don't believe that either one of us were naive about the situation.  We knew it would be tough, we knew there would be obstacles, we were prepared for undesirable behaviors, and we knew that Amarrion had little nurturing and love over the years.  The elementary school was prepared to bring in what ever services needed to help him be successful academically.  Our church was very supportive and some even stepped up offering to be mentors to Amarrion.  Beau and I felt a sense of community with this upcoming change.  Besides, it takes a village, does it not?  But we also felt it was worth the struggle in order to put two brothers together who would never have known each other otherwise.  Family is important and with so many broken homes in the world, we were delighted to try to bring one back together.  It all sounds like a Hallmark movie, doesn't it? 

And although the foster agency was fairly forthcoming with information regarding this young boy, the sad truth is that he is a victim of a broken system.  The agency wants what is best for their children and many people have their "hearts in the right places", so to speak.  But the reality of the situation comes down to money, rules, parental rights, and lack of adequate help.  Caseworkers are over-worked and severely underpaid, there aren't enough funds in the system to adequately care for the needs of each child, and birth parents are given far more rights than they deserve.  I am sorry if I sound harsh or bitter, but I feel that I have been around the system enough to make this kind of educated opinion.  Foster parents taking in broken children with pitifully sad pasts and instead of using the state funds to assist the child to enrich their lives and better their circumstances, using those funds for personal use.  Sickening.  Foster parents going on family vacations, but leaving their fosters behind.  Foster parents taking family photos, but leaving out the fosters.  Foster parents rationing their formula they receive from their WIC checks, only to leave the babies crying from hunger.  We all know that the WIC program does not provide enough food, it is simply to help subsidize.  Foster parents get a small check each month from the state to provide for these children.  They already came from broken homes, so why are they continuing to be placed in broken foster homes?  We should be ourtaged.  Foster parents that put their fosters in an after school program where homework is to be completed only so that the parents don't have to be "bothered with doing homework with their foster child".  How is this any better than where the child started?  Oh, well, ok.  In a foster home, the foster parents are tested for substance abuse and a criminal background check is completed.  But beyond that?  How can we expect these children to love themselves and find value in themselves when the people that are caring for them do not express this?   Oh, I have so many stories that I could share. I have personally met foster children that were being neglected in their foster homes, but I think most people already know that the foster care system is broken. 

Anyway, many people asked me, "What would be the reason you didn't proceed with the adoption?"  The only answer that Beau and I had for this was if the safety of our other 4 children were to be compromised.  In the three weeks that Amarrion was with us, we had so many tender moments.  It was precious to see Amarrion and Carter connect (even though Carter didn't know that Amarrion was his half brother).  Amarrion helped Beau teach William to ride a bike with no training wheels.  Oliver enjoyed playing with Amarrion.  Zander and he even had good times together.  But at the end of the day, it was abundantly clear that Amarrion was deeply broken, beyond what I or Beau could help.  I admire parents that have the ability, love, and compassion to take in older children and pour their entire selves into these children and help them turn into happy and healthy adults.  I thought we would be those kind of parents.  Without getting into the details, because the details do not matter,
Beau and I were given a clear sign on Amarrion's last day here that we could not protect our other 4 children from some of his behaviors.  And although I was still clinging onto caring for Amarrion, I turned to God.  I stayed awake almost all night long praying.  I begged for God to clearly tell me how to proceed.  The next morning I awoke with a sense of peace and an answer.  Beau had the same sense of peace and clear decision as well.  I flew home early that morning with Amarrion knowing that this would probably be the last time I would see him.  We knew that not proceeding with the adoption was the right decision for our family, but I was completely heart broken.  I learned to love Amarrion despite his brokeness.  Doesn't God love his children despite our brokeness and wickedness?  I kept asking myself why did God bring us this far into this journey only to abruptly end it?  I may never know.  But I have to be content with knowing that through the entire journey, Beau and I were completely obedient (even when we were scared and hesitant). 

Now our prayers have changed for Amarrion.  We pray for this safety, salvation, and for him to receive the therapy he needs to grow into a happy and healthy adult.  In the meantime, our family will continue to send him cards and gifts in the mail.  We will love him from afar.  God will do the rest.