When Beau and I first got married, we imagined ourselves to have 2 to 3 children. He being the oldest of 6 boys and me being the only child, 2 or 3 children sounded reasonable. I had a history of female problems, namely endometriosis so I had been told from doctors that getting pregnant would be challenging. After being married for only a few months (like 3 or 4), Beau and I decided that I would stop trying to prevent getting pregnant from then on. After all, it could take months even years for us to conceive. Well, we were married a blissful 6 months, and found ourselves very pregnant. Boy, the doctors could not have been more wrong!!! This totally was not our plan. I mean, we had everything scheduled out for the next 2 years and a pregnancy certainly wasn't part of that yet. And they were great plans too. Pay off debt, buy a house, and then get pregnant. However, we did everything in complete reverse. Got pregnant, buy a house, have more debt. Living the American dream. But away we went. I was truly the happy pregnant woman. I was thrilled, and Beau was the perfect cute first time daddy. He took great care of me and was so involved throughout the whole process. We decided it would be so much fun to not find out the gender of this baby. It would be a surprise for everyone at the end. Much harder to do than I thought it would be. There were many times I wanted to go ahead and find out at one of the sonograms and just not tell Beau. Beau was much more committed to it being a surpise than I was. Now during this pregnancy, neither Beau nor I knew Christ. In fact, Beau was an admitted agnostic. I only thought I believed in the Lord, but I had no relationship with Him. So, we didn't pray. We didn't know how to pray. We didn't know the need of prayer. But that's ok, because God was there the whole time.
On March 20, 1999, the day of the baby shower, my water broke at 5:20am. I was at 36 weeks with my due date being April 20. Although I never achieved full labor, this baby was coming. I hadn't packed my bags yet, I was in no way prepared. We hadn't even had the baby shower yet. So, I packed a boy outfit and a girl outfit and off the the hospital we went. Naive, excited, scared, and anxious.
After many hours of unproductive labor, no sleep, and major anxiety, the mid-wife announced that I would be receiving a c-section. Again, not part of my plans. In fact, during La Maz classes, I completely tuned out the c-section part of the class because I KNEW I wouldn't need that. I was fully prepared to go through labor without the use of an epideral. I know, many of you moms laugh. I was, well, naive and totally optimistic.
On March 21, 1999 at 8:21am, a beautiful, tiny, strong boy was born. Alexander Warren Bennett. Before I could really even see my new baby, he was wisked away by the nurse. Soon after, they took my husband away too. My husband returned with a tear in his eye. Even under his surgical mask, I knew something wasn't right. I asked him if it was a tear of joy or sadness. He responsed honestly..."both". My heart sank. My worst fear had come true. I had actually dreamt about this during my pregnancy. Something was wrong with Alex's hands. The nurse brought Alex to me and before she showed me the problem, I just knew. She told me he didn't have thumbs, just like that. Just so matter of fact. Tell it like it is. No sugar coating. No preparation. At that very moment, I felt like my life was ending. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't feel my body (yes, part of it was numb from the spinal block), but the parts that I should have felt were numb. The very same God that I didn't pray to was now the same God that I was cursing. I was mad at this God for not making my baby perfect.
Minutes and hours went by and Alex was still in the NICU. I didn't see him. I didn't nurse him. The only thing that kept running through my mind was how was this child going to be able to play baseball with his daddy. Of all things, and that was on my mind. The nurses kept bringing me pictures of my sweet baby that I could't hold. Each picture was worse than the first one. Each time, there was a new tube or wire hanging out of him. At one point, I made the mistake of asking the nurse what one of the tubes was that was hanging out of Alex's mouth. She said they were checking to see if he had a stomach. What? A stomach? I thought he was just missing his thumbs. Now a stomach too. I was literally in shock. My sweet mother in law waited outside the NICU window and watched everything the doctors did to Alex....until she became so overcome with exhaustion and nasuea for a headache. She kept reporting to me the strength of Alex. The doctors were putting needles into his head (I'm not sure why). Alex quickly with just four fingers grabbed at the tube coming out of his head and almost successfully removed it. Of course this should have been my first indication of the kind of spirit Alex would have one day.
Hours later, I was told I could go see Alex in the NICU. However, I didn't have the strength emotionally to handle this. And then of course, I was dealing with the guilt because a loving committed mother would never be able to keep herself from her newborn. So, what kind of a mother was I going to be? I delayed as long as possible. Until, my nurse that had been tending to me all day came into my room. She was off duty and wearing her normal clothes. She put me in my wheelchair and wheeled me to the NICU and literally put that baby in my arms. To this day, I know God sent her to me to help me with that first step. I don't remember her name or what she looked like, but I know she my was my angel. She took time from her personal schedule to help me with something she knew I didn't have the strength to do myself.
Days went by and specialists were brought in to review Alex's medical condition. He was seen by a geneticist, an orthopedic surgeon, a cardiologist, and an urologist, and others that I can't remember. He was finally diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder called Holt-Oram. Most patients that suffer from this disorder also have mild to severe heart problems. Thankfully, Alex's heart checked out to be strong and healthy. He did however, have a problem with one of his kidneys and he couldn't hear. So, then my sinicism kicked in and my only thought was, "great, how is a person with no thumbs ever going to sign?".
But, by the time we left the hospital and I had allowed all this information to sink into my head, I soon realized just how lucky we were to have Alex. Overall, he was mostly healthy. We had to deal with the shock of everything, jaundice, hearing problems, one kidney being small, and Alex's refusal to eat. But, his heart was ok and he was alive and adorable cute. I was no longer cursing my God, but was finally clinging to him. Although I didn't deserve God's forgiveness and grace, through this experience I realized my need for God in my life. It would be several years still before I came to confess my sins and my need for a savior, but this was a huge milestone for me. I know now that Alex was a gift, a miracle, from God and I am thankful every day for my Alex. I couldn't ask for a more perfect being.
