Letting Pride Get in My Way

I think that when most women imagine what their future families are going to be like, none of them envision having children with "issues". They don't think about their childrens' disobedience, or their bad behaviors. Future moms, including myself, dreamt of the game nights, family vacations, play dates, academic successes, hanging out at the ballfields, and grandchildren.

When Beau and I had Zander, we had a slight setback in the beginning as we were awaiting a clean bill of health (which didn't come until he was about a year old). But after that, Beau and I made up for lost time. We took Zander everywhere with us. He was that kid that was easy. He loved people and people loved him. He was ALMOST always well behaved. I believe we had to leave a restaurant one time due to a complete meltdown. Otherwise, Zander was the kid that other adults would comment favorably about. Now, please don't think that I am that naive mom who thinks her child is perfect. He certainly has his obedience issues, as any child does. Zander carried on very mature conversations with adults. Beau and I were so proud of him....in fact, we still are.

Then, we were lucky enough to adopt William. Although Will is far more spunky than Zander was at that age, Will is still very well behaved (when it counts). In public places, Will acts beyond his years, mostly. He has that charm that old women and young girls love. He is funny, cute, and engaging. He is much like Zander was at that age. Will can carry on a conversation as well and adults enjoy talking to him. So, again, Beau and I are very proud.

Then we come to our sweet Oliver. When Oliver came to live with us, Zander was 9 and Will was 1 and Ollie was 6 months. Since, at this point, I was outnumbered, I didn't leave the house very often. In fact, I stayed home as much as possible. As the boys became older, and theoretically more manageable, I still stayed home more. I told myself it was simply too much to juggle with 3 boys where 2 were under the age of 18 months. Oliver was and still is a very endearing little boy, however, we run into many little behaviors that have to be managed delicately.

Then, once again, our family was blessed with another child. This time, it was Carter. He came to us when he was just 2 months old and at that point, Zander was 10, Will was 2, and Ollie was 18 months. I only thought I was busy and homebound before. But now, I was seriously busy and almost never ventured out of the house. 3 carseats, 3 sets of diapers, 1 huge diaper bag, and no shopping carts that would adequatley accomodate 3 little ones.

I now had a 2 year old that was "Mr. Independent", an 18 month old who wanted to be "Mr. Independent" but got mad if I treated him and lessor, and a 2 month old that needed EVERYTHING from me. My previous days where I spent time with each one intentionally and purposefully singing, playing, and teaching them quickly turned into "managing" them.

Through all of this, months passed and Oliver developed new behaviors. Behaviors that required creative parenting. New skills like teaching coping, dealing with change, compromising, and handling disappointments. For me, I had to go to God daily for patience. Lots of patience.

Anyway, as you know, we as a family have endured a lot during this past year. But, finally, we are all together and working on normalcy. I am thankful for us being together, but I am not sure we will ever achieve "normalness". I have had time to reflect on the past year, and even the past 2 years. I have realized that those times I didn't go places wasn't because it was hard to manage 3 little ones. I mean, yes, it is hard to manage 3, but I was more fearful of having to try to explain away and justify behaviors to other people. I was fearful of the looks I might receive. I was fearful people would think I was a bad mom. I didn't want people to think what I was already feeling. It's always the mom's fault, isn't it?

Then we moved to New Hampshire and we are attending a sweet little church that Beau found for our family. This church is made up of genuine, God-loving people that are completely endearing. These people have truly gone our of their way to make the Bennett's feel welcome and have included us in their circles. Until I moved here, the church was awesome at "looking after" my Beau and Zander. They were invited for home cooked meals, 4th of July barbeques, and Bible studies. I was so thankful for them during our time of separation because I knew Beau had help if he ever needed it. Because of the size of the church, there was no children's church. All of the children sat quietly and calmly during service....the entire time. Children of all ages, yes, toddlers too sat next to their mommys and daddys and listened to the sermon. Now, I know they didn't understand much, but the fact that they could behave for that amount of time was shocking to me. In fact, intimidating.

Now, because this church has sincerely tried to minister to our family and help make us feel welcomed, they decided that they wanted to start a children's church. At first, I was so excited. But I soon realized that this program was being started for the sole purpose of accomodating MY children. MY children who wouldn't be able to sit still and behave long enough in church. MY children. We had become THAT family. You know the one I am talking about. The family that everyone else looks upon and thinks poorly of. I was so humiliated, saddened, embarassed, and discouraged.

So, my initial response to this was to hide from the situation and not return to this church. The very church where I was already falling in love with the people and was already beginning to build some sweet relationships. So, Sunday morning rolled around. I begrudingly showered, got dressed, and ate breakfast. But all through this process, I was mad and crying all at the same time. I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO CHURCH AND FACE ALL THOSE PEOPLE. Beau, being the wise, rational, and loving husband that he is, explained to me that I was making much more out of this than I needed to. He felt that God was working on something for us and for the church. In fact, he very honestly, lovingly, and brutally pointed out to me that I was being prideful. Well, that's an ugly sentence to lay on poor, victimized me. I mean, afterall, I was hurting. I finally made it very clear to the family that I was not going to church and in fact, I was quitting church. So, Beau responded very candidly. He MADE ME drive to the church and explain why we wouldn't be returning. I spitefully did just that. Or planned to at least. I prayed all the way there. I wanted to quit. I wanted to climb into a hole and pretend none of this existed. I prayed that God would give me the right words and right attitude once I began speaking. I prayed he would soften my heart and heal my pain. I prayed he would simply FIX my children. I certainly didn't want to say anything hurtful to anyone. Afterall, they were only trying to help. I knew in my mind that my hurt was self induced but I didn't know what to do.

I parked, wiped away my tears, and slowly walked up the long drive way to the small, quaint, church. I still didn't know what I was going to say all the way up until I sat down across the table from the pastor's wife. But suddenly, I was filled with words and peace. God granted me the calmness to get through the conversation. But more importantly, God gave Sue the exact right words and expressions to melt my fears. With just a few kind, gentle, loving words, I completely forgot why I was feeling to badly. Sue exlained to me that they felt God was using our family to prepare them for new things. Perhaps new families to come to the church. She showed me the rooms that they had prepared during that week for our children. These rooms were somehow filled with toys, books, and tables for activities. Sue also explained how so many people volunteered to help out in the children's rooms, that she actually had to turn some away.

I left that morning with a whole new sense of humilty. I WAS being prideful. Beau WAS right. We are all called to minister to people. But sometimes, it is us, who need to be ministered to. I forgot that all this fostering and adopting WAS our ministry and our church was simply trying to minister to the Bennetts. I also forgot that God uses us in many different ways. I don't know HIS plan for our church, but now, if another family visits expecting a children's church, we have one. If I have to be THAT family, I sincerely hope it is for God's glory and not my own.

Later that afternoon, I was still trying to process all of this. I had a conversation with my dear friend, Cami. She said almost exactly what Beau and Sue had said earlier. However, even though they were mostly the same words, she has a way of really making me hear them and believe them. I am so thankful for a friend like her. She can tell me my shirt looks wrong on me, point out my crooked thinking, and yet, I love her more for it. I am thankful for her honesty and kindness.

I am very lucky to be surrounded by wise friends, dedicated family, and a loving church. I am already planning my next blog....so watch out.