The First Six Months Was Not What I Imagined

On July 22, 2011, the van lines pulled away from my house in Middleburg, FL with all of our belongings and I stood in an empty house excitedly and nervously anticipating the next chapter of my life. 

Although I was incredibly sad about leaving the only "real" home I knew, I was still impatiently ready to go.  I lived in the Orange Park/Middleburg area for 30 years.  I established the best relationships I have ever known, we loved our church family through Pathway and Hibernia, and we had such a huge support network.  Most importantly, my parents were here.  But, after spending nearly 9 long months separated from Beau and Zander, I could hardly wait to get on the road to to New Hampshire.  Those 9 months were not only lonely because I was missing two of my family members, but I was left behind to handle the emotional roller coaster of an adoption.  And trust me, it was a messy, eventful, life changing event.  Still a blessing, though. 

Now, although I was excited about New Hampshire and told myself I was ready to embrace the change, I was still completely taken back by my deeply penetrating sadness and loneliness.  I kept telling myself that I was open to new friendships.  I was certainly invited to enough things.  But between Beau's new job, the  long hours, Zander's busy school schedule, and the little boys chaos, I just didn't make it to any of the invites. 

I was such a mess during my first six months here in beautiful New Hampshire.  I was excited one minute and in the depths of despair the next (Anne of Green Gables reference....that's for you Cami).  I couldn't get my emotions under control.  I needed to be there to help support Beau so that he could more efficiently do his job.  I needed to be a strong mom so that I could be effective for my children.  But I was minimally holding myself together, and much less doing the above jobs.  I wrote one time on a Facebook status that I was missing my Florida friends.  I had a friend respond that she thought it would have been easier by now after all this time.  My first reaction to myself was that "I just moved here."  However, upon further reflection, I realized that I had been here for six whole months.  Half a year.  24+ weeks.  168 days.  This hit me like a ton of bricks.  What was wrong with me?  It was time to snap out of this ridiculous self-absorbed, pitiful state. 

After a lot of prayer, God covered me in His grace and mercy.  I forgave myself.  I stopped resenting my situation.  Beau made me promise that I would do everything I could to accept future invitations.  I am proud to report that since I made that promise to my smart husband I have joined the ladies bible study at my church, I have hung out with a couple of girlfriends, and have even had people over to the house.  We are now planning a near future cookout at the house and I am very excited about that. 

I think that Florida will always be home in my heart, but I am sincerely excited about future friendships, new memories, and raising my family in New Hampshire.  I hindsight, I wish that I had handled these past months with more graciousness and maturity, but I suppose how I handle the future roller coasters will have to count.