There Really Ought to be a Parenting Handbook

I sit here this morning feeling the painful effects of parenting a teenage son.  I love my son and all that he is:  his flaws, his quirkiness, his love of chess, his silly jokes, his enjoyment of riddles and puns, his love of poetry, the fact that breakfast is his favorite meal and that he could eat Mexican food for every lunch and dinner, his messy room, his disorganized backpack, the fact that his socks don't have to match (which drives me crazy...he will literally wear one ankle sock and one crew sock),   his ability to read multiple books at the same time and be able to keep the plots straight, his love of watching documentaries and game shows,  and his joy of playing tricks on unsuspecting strangers about his missing thumbs.

 But there is the other side, the side that has been giving Beau and I such difficulty for a while now.  We keep hearing that today's teenage population can be characterized by its lack of creativity, self-absorbed, entitled, and selfish mindset.  I have to say that our teenage son has those same flaws.  It is only now, now that our son is knocking on the door of turning 16, that Beau and I are seeing the mistakes we made as parents through the years.

It is my true belief that most parents honestly do the best they can and that they love their children.  I have also never heard a parent remark that they had never made any mistakes while raising their children.  I also believed that if we had a relationship through the years with our teenage son from the time he was tiny, that would be enough to help him float through his teenage years.  But I was wrong. Having a relationship with him now is far harder than I ever thought it would be and my heart hurts that our bond is separated.  I have spoken to many moms that have raised boys and they each have told me that this is normal.  After all, one day, Zander will need to leave his mom and cleave to his family.  I get that.  I embrace that.  I agree with that.  One day, his wife will be my son's focus and it should be.

But for now, I have so many questions.  Is Zander the result of our parenting?  Does Zander have this innate need to be this way?  Is this just a teenager thing?  Is this just a boy thing?  Where is his heart?  What is he thinking?  Who is he?  Despite the many mistakes we have made as parents, I know we did some good things too.  When will the results of the good things show up?  Am I being too critical?  Parenting a teenager, you begin to actually question your own sanity.  They argue with you so much that you think maybe it is you that is being unreasonable.  They twist, manipulate, and tangle your advice.  I have been mid heated conversation with him and have completely forgotten my point (at which point I am sure he finds victory in).  There are many things that Zander abstains from and I am grateful for that.  Things could certainly be worse, and I thank God that they aren't.

 But Zander seems to be surrounded by anger, lack of respect for authority, unwilling to negotiate on anything, looking to only satisfy his own fleshly desires, entitlement, and generally lacks pleasantness.  Being on time to school is no longer a concern for him.  If only he knew and understood that Beau and I only want the best for him.  Ha.  No teenager embraces that.  He might know it deep down in his heart, but he would never admit to it.  I have found myself arguing about things that should never even be argued about.  Stupid things.   Things that at the end of the day, simply do not matter.  It amazes me how this young man can excel in critical/logical thinking in his subjects such as math and science, but has no rationale when dealing with his parents.  It just shows how both of us are stubborn.  At least I can acknowledge that, but he hasn't arrived there yet.

I have mentioned in previous blogs how stubborn and rebellious I once was.  Many people might say, including my mom, that this is payback.  But it goes much deeper than that.  I have worked very hard over the years to be more flexible and open minded and less rebellious.  I still fight the desire to rebel.  But my rebellious side comes out in little ways now.  Like reading a sign that says "No Parking" and my inner Emily says, maybe I could get away with it.  Or reading a sign that says "Wet Paint" and touching it just to make sure.  When I was 27, the tire on my car went flat at the top of the Buckman Bridge in Jacksonville, FL.  For those of you that don't know this bridge, it is just over 3 miles long, with a high peak in the middle.  Well, my car broke down at the very tip of that peak.  Because there is not an adequate emergency lane on the bridge, the police officer said that I had to have a tow truck get me OFF the bridge rather than changing the tire ON the bridge.  He also said under any circumstances, do not get OUT of the car.  I suddenly had this immediate urge to see what it would be like to stand on the top of this silly bridge.  It must be dangerous, after all, since the police officer practically forbade me from doing it.  The moment he left, the very first thing I did was get out of my car, stand at the peak, and look over the side of the bridge.  It was simply exhilarating, windy, loud, and scary. As the cars zoomed by, I began thinking about Zander, who was 2 at the time.  Zander wasn't with me and did not witness this rebellious act (because I would never disobey authority in front of him).  Then I realized how stupid I was being, and jumped back into the car until the tow truck could rescue me.  But I had this little smile in the corner of my mouth excited that I had gotten away with it.  This is just one of the dozens of stupid stories that I could confess.  But this blog isn't about me.  Or maybe it is.  Zander, in many ways, is just like me.  And I am frightened.

I realize that teenage boys are seeking their independence, learning how to be a man, trying to understand the opposite sex, figuring out themselves and all while secretly wanting to cling to their childhood.  I pray that I can parent Zander with a firm love.  Lately, I have been failing in this area.  I have been hot tempered, escalating arguments, and have not shown him the love of Christ.  How can I expect Zander to respond to me with kindness when I have not shown him the same in return?  Picking battles, keeping the small things small, but pouncing on the big things, loving, patience, firmness, and fairness.  These are the only ways to survive parenting a teenager.  And of course, certainly the most important of these, is keeping Christ in the center and lots of prayer.  I have God on speed dial these days.  I have a tendency to pray out loud, but I have had some days recently where I couldn't even speak.  I am thankful that God can still hear my heart hurting.  Other days, I prayed through babbling and tears and I am thankful God can decipher my mumblings.  Sometimes I start crying during my prayer as I remember that I will be doing this teenager thing again, TIMES THREE AND ALL AT THE SAME TIME.  There are many things I would have done differently with Zander through the years.  But right now, I cling to God and the knowledge that He has a plan for our Zander.  Beau had a heart talk with Zander last night.  He explained that we are not looking for his behavior to change.  We are seeking a change of heart.  Because only once the heart changes will the behavior change for real.  They talked about various men from the Bible.  I was "doing dishes", but totally intently listening.  It joys my heart that Beau is a leader in our home and that he loves Zander enough to speak truth.  We love our Zander and we know this is his journey.  We also are thankful for him.  Please pray for us that we would be wise, loving, and firm with our children....especially Zander at this time.  Thank you.

Zander's Baptism~ 2007