What Now?

I did it. I survived 8+ months of being a single parent with 3 small children while Beau and Zander were in NH surviving bachelorhood. Everything that I prayed for, cried about, became angry over, laid awake at night and thought about, and dreamt about has finally become a reality. I am sitting here in New Hampshire, the proud mother of FOUR Bennett boys, and a husband that I get to sleep next to every night. A state that has real seasons, snow, beautiful colors in the Fall, and mild Summers. There are rolling hills, huge shady trees, wildlife in my own back yard, no traffic, sounds of nature....everything that this girl has been anticipating and looking forward to for months. So if this is everything I could want, then why am I so unhappy. I mean, don't get me wrong. Of course there was the initial excitment of knowing that this is actually home and now that includes 6 family members. It was awesome walking into the house the other evening and having a huge weight lifted. No more social workers, no more being under the microscope, no more sleeping alone at night, no more wiping away tears from my boys' faces as they cried for their daddy, no more juggling everybody just so I could go to the grocery store, no more fear that someone is going to just show up at the door and see the "real situation". That situation would be kids running around, sometimes fully dressed and sometimes not. Dishes in the sink. Laundry everywhere...and usually not folded and ready to be put away. Food crumbs from breakfast still on the floor. Allowing the tv to babysit my kids just so I could have a few minutes to get re-energized.

I had very dear and loyal friends keep me going during the last 8 months. Food was brought to me, encouraging conversations over the phone keep me pepped, maid services was hired on my behalf, and friends often times babysat so I could attend court hearings and doctor's appointments. A group of ladies came over about once a month to my house at the kids' bedtimes and just hung out with me. Those times were so precious to me and were sometimes my only means of survival for the next week. My friends are the absolute best that anyone could ever ask for and I so did not deserve them, but I certainly did appreciate them. They were all great at pumping me up and telling me what a wonderful mom I was. It did make me feel good for a while. But now, now that everything is becoming real to me, I am beginning to see things much more clearly. I see that I allowed bad behaviors to develop because they went unpunished. I see that bad habits went unchecked. Our mealtimes were no longer the "sacred family time" that it once was. We ate every single dinner at the table as a family. This is when we prayed as a family while holding hands. And believe me, when we prayed, we were all truly thankful for that day. I got to tell Beau about the day's events and the funny "boy" stories. Zander shared about his day at school. The boys even chimed in. Often times, Beau would lead everyone in silly songs (after we were done eating of course). This is the one time of the day where we were all united and whole. But all that went away when Beau left. It didn't have to because as the mom, it was my responsibility to carry on those traditions for my kids. But I didn't. I was too self-absorbed in my own self pity.

Schedules and routines were a thing of the past. There no longer was any rhyme or reason to how I did things. Children thrive on routines and that is just one more thing that I failed my kids. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I even knew what things I needed to do to correct them. But I didn't. I had every excuse in the book, but the ugly truth was that I had stopped caring.

Now, here I am. As I see it, there really are only a couple of choices I have to make now. Beau and I have made commitments to each other about deleting the bad habits we started while apart and replacing with the good parenting skills that we used to have. It is going to be hard to re-train the boys, but I have faith in God and faith in my husband that we can do this. The alternative is simply not a choice for us. We love each other and our children too much to not make the appropriate changes.

So now, Beau and I have to learn how to be a married couple again. We have to buckle down with the finances again. We have to parent firmly but lovingly again (with consistency). We have to re-insert routines again. We have to learn how to communicate again. We have to live together again. All of these things are wonderful things. The "have to's" will soon become "get to's".

I learned things about myself during the last months. I totally rely on Beau for far more than I ever thought. I do believe that a man and a woman should parent a child together (if possible). I am much weaker than I thought. I am much more stubborn that I thought. I am fully capable of becoming an emotional wreck and irrational at a drop of a hat. Organization is absoltely vital for MY life. I pray that God does not separate Beau and I again. I do think that 4 is enough. I don't like paying bills. I hate killing bugs, pulling weeds, and taking out the trash. Every noise that I hear at night just means that the "boogie man" IS real and he IS out to get me. I watched over 140 episodes of Scrubs and never grew tired of the show. I like sleeping in the middle of the bed with ALL the pillows. But most importantly, I adore my husband and appreciate all that he does.

In the meantime, thank you so much Cami Franklin, Patty Fogarty, Lauren Palombo, Tina Jamieson, Betsi Torres. You guys loved me when I found it hard to love myself.

I do look forward the the next chapter in my life. I do embrace a new state, new family member, all new experiences, new everything. In fact, I am excited. Just writing this blog was completely therapeutic.

Until next time.......