The First Six Months Was Not What I Imagined

On July 22, 2011, the van lines pulled away from my house in Middleburg, FL with all of our belongings and I stood in an empty house excitedly and nervously anticipating the next chapter of my life. 

Although I was incredibly sad about leaving the only "real" home I knew, I was still impatiently ready to go.  I lived in the Orange Park/Middleburg area for 30 years.  I established the best relationships I have ever known, we loved our church family through Pathway and Hibernia, and we had such a huge support network.  Most importantly, my parents were here.  But, after spending nearly 9 long months separated from Beau and Zander, I could hardly wait to get on the road to to New Hampshire.  Those 9 months were not only lonely because I was missing two of my family members, but I was left behind to handle the emotional roller coaster of an adoption.  And trust me, it was a messy, eventful, life changing event.  Still a blessing, though. 

Now, although I was excited about New Hampshire and told myself I was ready to embrace the change, I was still completely taken back by my deeply penetrating sadness and loneliness.  I kept telling myself that I was open to new friendships.  I was certainly invited to enough things.  But between Beau's new job, the  long hours, Zander's busy school schedule, and the little boys chaos, I just didn't make it to any of the invites. 

I was such a mess during my first six months here in beautiful New Hampshire.  I was excited one minute and in the depths of despair the next (Anne of Green Gables reference....that's for you Cami).  I couldn't get my emotions under control.  I needed to be there to help support Beau so that he could more efficiently do his job.  I needed to be a strong mom so that I could be effective for my children.  But I was minimally holding myself together, and much less doing the above jobs.  I wrote one time on a Facebook status that I was missing my Florida friends.  I had a friend respond that she thought it would have been easier by now after all this time.  My first reaction to myself was that "I just moved here."  However, upon further reflection, I realized that I had been here for six whole months.  Half a year.  24+ weeks.  168 days.  This hit me like a ton of bricks.  What was wrong with me?  It was time to snap out of this ridiculous self-absorbed, pitiful state. 

After a lot of prayer, God covered me in His grace and mercy.  I forgave myself.  I stopped resenting my situation.  Beau made me promise that I would do everything I could to accept future invitations.  I am proud to report that since I made that promise to my smart husband I have joined the ladies bible study at my church, I have hung out with a couple of girlfriends, and have even had people over to the house.  We are now planning a near future cookout at the house and I am very excited about that. 

I think that Florida will always be home in my heart, but I am sincerely excited about future friendships, new memories, and raising my family in New Hampshire.  I hindsight, I wish that I had handled these past months with more graciousness and maturity, but I suppose how I handle the future roller coasters will have to count. 

Zander's Trip to Florida

For Winter Break, Zander decided he wanted to go to Florida and spend his time with family and friends.  So, for a couple of months, Zander worked on extra chores (which I totally loved the extra help) and earned his airfare.  I am so thankful that he has a relationship with Nana and Pop.  Growing up, my grandmother lived so far away that I rarely ever saw her.  Same goes for my aunts, uncles, and cousins.  But Zander has always had a special relationship with his nana and pop.

In fact, when he was 6 weeks old I had to return to work.  The only way I could resume my work was knowing that he was in excellent hands during my absence.  My mom kept Zander until he was 2 years old.  She often got to experience some of his "first" milestones, but she tried to not tell me so that when I got to see the "first" things it seemed like it was my special moment with Zander.  I really appreciated that. 

Over the course of Zander's elementary years, he developed some very special relationships.  It was really neat because not only did Zander have awesome friends, but I dearly loved his friends' moms.  Zander's two best friends are Jarod and Joshua. 

Now, boys fight, and compete and certainly these three have had their share of both.  But, they have always come back together even stronger.  More like brothers, really.    

Thank you so much Nana and Pop for being such loving and supportive grandparents to Zander.  I know you are always in his corner.  Cami and Patty, thank you for making Zander a part of your family.  We love all of you guys and appreciate everything that you do. 

Zander is now a teenager....Oh My!!!

Holding Zander in our arms for the first time produced so many emotions all at once.  Of course the normal emotions that every first parent experiences were present.  Things like, where is the instuction manual?  Am I going to know what to do when he is sick?  How will I always protect him?  Will I be able to answer all his questions?  But with Zander, I had far more questions than an average first time parent would have.  Will he be able to hear when I sing to him?  Does he have a stomach?  How will he ever be able to play sports without thumbs?  How can Zander sign if he doesn't have thumbs?  Are his kidneys and heart functioning properly?  How long will he live?  But as the hours turned into days, days into weeks, and weeks into months, these questions soon became answered or no longer mattered. 

Beau and I excitedly celebrated Zander's first birthday. 

It was shortly prior to his 1st birthday that he was finally given a clean bill of health.  He could hear (with only a mild hearing loss), his kidneys (although one being undersized) were functional, his heart was completely normal.  And his thumbs?  Still missing, but we knew it was going to be ok.  It was at this time, that Beau and I started really getting excited about Zander's future.  We just had an unexplained peace about Zander and knew he would be celebrating many more birthdays.  He was truly our little miracle. 

Now he is 13.  With 13 comes a lot of unwanted things.  His voice sounds funny.  He has dark hairs above his lip.  He suddenly knows everything.  Beau and I aren't as smart as we once were.  We certainly are not as cool as we once thought we were.  Zander is doing a lot of changing now.  He is now as tall as me (I know that's not saying much), we can wear the same size shoes, and he is wearing adult sized clothes.  I almost do not recognize him anymore. 

But, one thing is still present that allows me to SEE him.  His heart.  I am so thankful for glimpses (even short ones) of his kind heart.  You see, Zander is exactly like me is a lot of ways.  That likeness creates a lot of "butting heads".  But then God reveals Zander's heart to me and I melt.  I see moments of kindness and genorsity.  I witness times of tenderness when Zander is reading a book to his brothers.  I see God working in him and through him.  I get to see "ah-ha" moments as he discovers something new about God. 

This past year has been especially hard on our family.  Zander celebrated his 12th birthday with just his dad in New Hampshire.  No friends.  No mom.  No brothers.  But through the trials and loneliness, Zander handled this time apart in a new area with much grace and maturity. 

Now, Beau and I have a new set of questions on Zander's 13th Birthday.  Will WE survive the next few years?  Will we have the wisdom and patience to handle situations WHEN they arise?  Has Zander learned anything we have taught him?  Will his conscience prevail?  Will he make good decisions?  Ugh, so overwhelming. 

We can only continue to pray for our first baby that God will protect him, grow him, challenge him, and most importantly, draw Zander closer to Himself.   Beau and I will love and embrace Zander every step of the way. 

I pray that Zander can learn to love himself as Christ loves him.  We sure do love you, son.

Oliver's 4th Birthday



August 7, 2008-Ollie's first day at the Bennett house

Beau and I, after months of parenting classes, home studies, and prepping the house for fostering, finally became licensed foster parents.  We were, of course, very excited and nervous.  Our first call was for a 6 1/2 month old baby boy.  I had 1 hour to prepare for this little man.  He needed a certain bottle type, certain formula, and a specific pacifier.  Will was napping at the time, so I called my dear friend Tina to purchase these items for me.  She so graciously picked up these things and delivered them to me.  Thank you so much Tina.  Since that day, we fell in love with our sweet Oliver.  He and William instantly bonded and were literally inseperable.  Ollie was crawling in no time and I think his motivation for doing so was to keep up with Will.  They played so well together and they provided much entertainment for our family. 



Ollie fit right in with our family and we couldn't imagine ourselves without him.  It was like he had just always been there.  He and William were perfect playmates and loving brothers (except for when they fought over toys or attention).  These two were partners in crime, the dynamic duo, but most of all BROTHERS. 

Going for one of our morning walks. 



At a park for a birthday party.

Snuggle time while watching a movie.

All bundled up before leaving for Church. 

Ollie has always been a tender-hearted, sensitive boy with a huge smile and bright eyes.  When he giggles, you know it's funny because he tends to be kind of a serious boy.  He notices every detail that is often missed by the rest of us.  Oliver teaches me many new things because he takes the time to SEE things where I frequently observe things in passing.  When I have one on one time with him, I am intriqued by his thinking and fond of his heart.  Oliver and I have always had a particularily special bond. 

For his 4th birthday, Oliver requested a chocolate cake with sprinkles.  So, I happily made another one of my pitifully ugly cakes.  I am thankful that they don't care about the appearance of their cakes yet.  I seriously need to learn how to do this.  Maybe SOMEBODY can teach me....Cami. 

Nana and Pop shipped a 2 seater car to New Hampshire for Ollie's gift.  Of course it had to be more than a 1 seater to help reduce the squabbling over turns.  Oliver likes to drive in circles, Will likes to drive quickly in a straight line while looking backwards, and Carter likes to ride as long as Will drives.  The car was a huge hit at our house.    Thank you Nana and Poppy.  Happy Birthday Oliver. 

Blowing out his candles. 

The Fog is Lifting

Well, it's been a while since my last blog. But so many things are happening, and I am happy to report, good things. The boys are beginning to settle in, Beau and I are finding a routine that works, and our family as a whole is feeling mostly calm again. Is is abundandly obvious that a good dose of family unity was needed. Beau is learning to balance work and family and I am learning to have a little more patience and acceptance. These things combined, and we are doing much better.

Will and Oliver began playing their first season of soccer in September. So that means we have 3 boys playing on 3 different leagues, at 3 different times, and in 3 different locations. This was a tricky feat since Beau and I only make up 2 people. But we managed and the boys enjoyed thier season. Will started off showing no interest in playing. In fact, his favorite part was eating snacks on the sidelines. But as we approach the end of the season, Will has started showing interest in the game (well, with a little bribery from Beau. The kid will do anything for Skittles!).

Oliver, with the exception of a couple of games, has showed serious interest in soccer and we are finding out that he is quite an athlete. That boy shows natural ability and skill on the soccer field and he is so much fun to watch. But the best part is that huge smile on his face as he kicks the ball with such determination. Ollie has a strong leg and an amazingly accurate aim.

Zander, of course, has played soccer since he was 4 years old. This season, he is playing on a league with kids aged 12 to 16. As you can imagine, there is a huge range in skill, size of the kids, and speed. But, I am proud to report that Zander has held his own.

He has dribbled that ball with such agility and precision, he has won out against some of the other older skilled boys on the team. Watching the kids play on this league is so exciting because of the athleticism on the field.

Oliver is finally potty trained. That was a huge feat because he can have a stubborn streak. But when he finally conquered #2 in the potty, which happened to be at a busy restaurant, Oliver came out of the restroom and announced to the entire restaurant that he "pooped in the potty". Strangely enough, I wasn't embarassed. I was so completely proud!!!

There is something quaint about small towns. They have some of the best little festivals and we sure have enjoyed each one of them. We are learning that it doesn't take the big fancy things to impress children. It's the simple things. Take picking out their own pumpkins for starters. We went to a real pumpkin patch recently. The people tending the farm handed us a pair of huge clippers. We actually got to cut our own pumpkin from the vine. Sure beats out the previous pumpkin picking we were used to that consisted of going to a local church and picking out one that was already cut, cleaned, and sitting nicely on a display. We then took the pumpkins home and painted them.

Each boy wanted a different color. My intention was to paint their footprints on each pumpkin and turn them into "friendly ghosts" but the boys lost thier interest soon after painting. They found that rolling down the hill in our front yard was far more fun. Boys!!!!

My best friend, Cami came and visited. Beau took some time off of work so that he could keep the kids and allowed she and I to go play for 4 days. I had an amazing time, but more importantly, I had some much needed girl time.

We are now talking about making this an annual trip!

Things are finally beginning to feel like a family again and we were becoming comfortable. Then, we had an unusual October New England snow storm which left us without power and running water for several days. The boys loved the snow. And surprisingly, Will, liked it the best. They are now pros at sledding down our hill. Our little Carter, we have found out, is a daredevil. We are going to have to watch that kid. We are now taking bets on who will be the first boy to visit the ER. I guess I better find out just where the hospital is located. Hmmm.

During this experience, we got some more bonding time with Beau. Beau was home from work, with no computer (so he couldn't work from home), so he got to give us his complete undivided attention for 5 whole days. It was awesome. We spent time with the kids just snuggling in front of the fireplace.

We talked. We played. We ate our dinners by candlelight. Thank you God for this time we all had together. However, I really thank God for our restored power and running water. I think I like electricity and flushing toilets.

Until next time.......

Batman Pajamas, Green Plates, and everything in between

I love my family. Each member of our family is so very different and unique and fun. We have so many funny stories, some of them almost hard to believe that they are even true. One day, I will have to do a blog about some of those. But for some of you wanting a small nugget, here are some quick things I have learned over the last few years. Desitin (bottom cream) makes excellent hair gel. It can keep a curl FOREVER. Dawn detergent makes LOTS of bubbles and is VERY slippery when all over the kitchen floor. Baby powder all over my clothes closet is incredibly hard to clean up. In fact, I still ocassionally put on a shirt and see the white powder. It takes about 45 minutes to wet vac my kitchen when SOMEONE overflows the kitchen sink (of my former home). Flushing kid's underwear down the toilet WILL create a massive clog, but the plumbers find it amusing. A 6 month old can in fact, swim in a huge puddle of apple juice (almost a full gallon of it). By the way, that takes about 15 minutes to wet vac up off of the kitchen floor. Any dessert sitting on the kitchen counter, even if it is wrapped up, IS fair game to any passersby. The wet spot on the wood living room where I cleaned Chocolate brownies makes Cami slip and fall. Having 3 boys in diapers makes for a lot of smelly moments. All that said, I love my kids and I can now laugh hysterically at those times.

I like to laugh. No, I love to laugh. I am thankful that all of my kids have provided many moments to giggle. However, usually laughter didn't occur at the very MOMENT some of the above mishaps took place, but now they are funny. As proud moms, we all enjoy celebrating the sweet milestones in our kids' lives. First time rolling over, first steps, first tooth, first birthday, first day of school. Such precious and proud times for parents. And I am no exception. We have tons of pictures, however, by the time we got to Carter, the pictures are fewer and further between. But we have still been able to capture important times with him. The Bennett's have passed all of the 1st birtdays with our boys, but I know many more milestones are to come with each one and I am really looking forward to sharing those with them.

However, sometimes the large milestones just aren't as important as they once were. Please don't misunderstand. ALL milestones are monumental, but sometimes there is a need to celebrate the small stuff. When it comes to Oliver, we have to do just that. We are in the beginning stages of realizing that he may need some additional help and there may be a diagnosis by the time we finish this whole process. But in the meantime, we are learning to find ways to encourage, nurture, and love Oliver the best way we know how. His favorite pajamas are Batman pajamas. Not any Batman pajamas. But ones that used to belong to Zander, so that makes them about 7 years old. At first, Beau and I were trying to soothe Ollie by allowing him to wear them EVERY SINGLE night. They are getting too small, the elastic is wearing out on the waistband, and quite frankly, they just are not that pretty anymore. But recently, Beau and I decided that we would lovingly explain to him that we can't always wear the same pajamas. Sometimes, we have to do things that we don't like or don't feel comfortable doing. Afterall, the world does not allow us to wear our Batman pajamas everyday. Teachers do not allow us to do what we want. Bosses don't put up with "our" way of doing things. So, we felt like we were helping Oliver. Let's just say we had about a week worth of nights with total meltdowns. I mean, the crying, throwing fits, screaming, begging, kinds of meltdowns. They never lasted under 30 minutes. But finally, Oliver has completely submitted to saying bye bye to the Batmans. This is a milestone for him and we are soooo proud.

We use different colored plastic plates for our 3 youngest boys. At first, it was fun. Each child got to pick their color for their meal and everyone was happy. Then, at one point, Oliver decided he would only use a green plate. That's fine, as long as nobody else wants that green plate. At first, we again tried to keep peace and comfort Ollie and allowed him the green plate. It was becoming easier to reason with Carter, our 2 year old, why HE couldn't have the green plate than it was to reason with Oliver. But again, Beau and I felt we were does a disservice to Ollie. He can't function in a world when he always gets his way. So, now when we put out the plates, each boy gets the same color. Oliver no longer gets to choose a color and we no longer have meltdowns. Another milestone. And we are soooooo proud of him.

This past Saturday, Ollie got to play for the first time on a soccer team. Beau and I were bracing ourselves because we really didn't know what to expect. Was he going to cry? Get mad? Run off? Be confused? There were so many possible scenerios and Beau and I were trying to be prepared for all of them. But then something amazing happened. Oliver had the absolute best time. With a huge smile on his face, he kicked that ball all over the field and he even scored a goal (however, he scored the goal for the opposing team!!). But the point is, he had fun. He didn't hold back. We saw a side of Oliver that was fun and "normal". What a milestone. And we are sooooo proud of him.

I heard a friend say recently that in dealing with her autistic children, she has finally learned that she must change her expectations. I think I am there. However, I also know that with every small milestone that Oliver passes, it is reason for huge celebration. And each time, I will be sooooo proud.

Letting Pride Get in My Way

I think that when most women imagine what their future families are going to be like, none of them envision having children with "issues". They don't think about their childrens' disobedience, or their bad behaviors. Future moms, including myself, dreamt of the game nights, family vacations, play dates, academic successes, hanging out at the ballfields, and grandchildren.

When Beau and I had Zander, we had a slight setback in the beginning as we were awaiting a clean bill of health (which didn't come until he was about a year old). But after that, Beau and I made up for lost time. We took Zander everywhere with us. He was that kid that was easy. He loved people and people loved him. He was ALMOST always well behaved. I believe we had to leave a restaurant one time due to a complete meltdown. Otherwise, Zander was the kid that other adults would comment favorably about. Now, please don't think that I am that naive mom who thinks her child is perfect. He certainly has his obedience issues, as any child does. Zander carried on very mature conversations with adults. Beau and I were so proud of him....in fact, we still are.

Then, we were lucky enough to adopt William. Although Will is far more spunky than Zander was at that age, Will is still very well behaved (when it counts). In public places, Will acts beyond his years, mostly. He has that charm that old women and young girls love. He is funny, cute, and engaging. He is much like Zander was at that age. Will can carry on a conversation as well and adults enjoy talking to him. So, again, Beau and I are very proud.

Then we come to our sweet Oliver. When Oliver came to live with us, Zander was 9 and Will was 1 and Ollie was 6 months. Since, at this point, I was outnumbered, I didn't leave the house very often. In fact, I stayed home as much as possible. As the boys became older, and theoretically more manageable, I still stayed home more. I told myself it was simply too much to juggle with 3 boys where 2 were under the age of 18 months. Oliver was and still is a very endearing little boy, however, we run into many little behaviors that have to be managed delicately.

Then, once again, our family was blessed with another child. This time, it was Carter. He came to us when he was just 2 months old and at that point, Zander was 10, Will was 2, and Ollie was 18 months. I only thought I was busy and homebound before. But now, I was seriously busy and almost never ventured out of the house. 3 carseats, 3 sets of diapers, 1 huge diaper bag, and no shopping carts that would adequatley accomodate 3 little ones.

I now had a 2 year old that was "Mr. Independent", an 18 month old who wanted to be "Mr. Independent" but got mad if I treated him and lessor, and a 2 month old that needed EVERYTHING from me. My previous days where I spent time with each one intentionally and purposefully singing, playing, and teaching them quickly turned into "managing" them.

Through all of this, months passed and Oliver developed new behaviors. Behaviors that required creative parenting. New skills like teaching coping, dealing with change, compromising, and handling disappointments. For me, I had to go to God daily for patience. Lots of patience.

Anyway, as you know, we as a family have endured a lot during this past year. But, finally, we are all together and working on normalcy. I am thankful for us being together, but I am not sure we will ever achieve "normalness". I have had time to reflect on the past year, and even the past 2 years. I have realized that those times I didn't go places wasn't because it was hard to manage 3 little ones. I mean, yes, it is hard to manage 3, but I was more fearful of having to try to explain away and justify behaviors to other people. I was fearful of the looks I might receive. I was fearful people would think I was a bad mom. I didn't want people to think what I was already feeling. It's always the mom's fault, isn't it?

Then we moved to New Hampshire and we are attending a sweet little church that Beau found for our family. This church is made up of genuine, God-loving people that are completely endearing. These people have truly gone our of their way to make the Bennett's feel welcome and have included us in their circles. Until I moved here, the church was awesome at "looking after" my Beau and Zander. They were invited for home cooked meals, 4th of July barbeques, and Bible studies. I was so thankful for them during our time of separation because I knew Beau had help if he ever needed it. Because of the size of the church, there was no children's church. All of the children sat quietly and calmly during service....the entire time. Children of all ages, yes, toddlers too sat next to their mommys and daddys and listened to the sermon. Now, I know they didn't understand much, but the fact that they could behave for that amount of time was shocking to me. In fact, intimidating.

Now, because this church has sincerely tried to minister to our family and help make us feel welcomed, they decided that they wanted to start a children's church. At first, I was so excited. But I soon realized that this program was being started for the sole purpose of accomodating MY children. MY children who wouldn't be able to sit still and behave long enough in church. MY children. We had become THAT family. You know the one I am talking about. The family that everyone else looks upon and thinks poorly of. I was so humiliated, saddened, embarassed, and discouraged.

So, my initial response to this was to hide from the situation and not return to this church. The very church where I was already falling in love with the people and was already beginning to build some sweet relationships. So, Sunday morning rolled around. I begrudingly showered, got dressed, and ate breakfast. But all through this process, I was mad and crying all at the same time. I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO CHURCH AND FACE ALL THOSE PEOPLE. Beau, being the wise, rational, and loving husband that he is, explained to me that I was making much more out of this than I needed to. He felt that God was working on something for us and for the church. In fact, he very honestly, lovingly, and brutally pointed out to me that I was being prideful. Well, that's an ugly sentence to lay on poor, victimized me. I mean, afterall, I was hurting. I finally made it very clear to the family that I was not going to church and in fact, I was quitting church. So, Beau responded very candidly. He MADE ME drive to the church and explain why we wouldn't be returning. I spitefully did just that. Or planned to at least. I prayed all the way there. I wanted to quit. I wanted to climb into a hole and pretend none of this existed. I prayed that God would give me the right words and right attitude once I began speaking. I prayed he would soften my heart and heal my pain. I prayed he would simply FIX my children. I certainly didn't want to say anything hurtful to anyone. Afterall, they were only trying to help. I knew in my mind that my hurt was self induced but I didn't know what to do.

I parked, wiped away my tears, and slowly walked up the long drive way to the small, quaint, church. I still didn't know what I was going to say all the way up until I sat down across the table from the pastor's wife. But suddenly, I was filled with words and peace. God granted me the calmness to get through the conversation. But more importantly, God gave Sue the exact right words and expressions to melt my fears. With just a few kind, gentle, loving words, I completely forgot why I was feeling to badly. Sue exlained to me that they felt God was using our family to prepare them for new things. Perhaps new families to come to the church. She showed me the rooms that they had prepared during that week for our children. These rooms were somehow filled with toys, books, and tables for activities. Sue also explained how so many people volunteered to help out in the children's rooms, that she actually had to turn some away.

I left that morning with a whole new sense of humilty. I WAS being prideful. Beau WAS right. We are all called to minister to people. But sometimes, it is us, who need to be ministered to. I forgot that all this fostering and adopting WAS our ministry and our church was simply trying to minister to the Bennetts. I also forgot that God uses us in many different ways. I don't know HIS plan for our church, but now, if another family visits expecting a children's church, we have one. If I have to be THAT family, I sincerely hope it is for God's glory and not my own.

Later that afternoon, I was still trying to process all of this. I had a conversation with my dear friend, Cami. She said almost exactly what Beau and Sue had said earlier. However, even though they were mostly the same words, she has a way of really making me hear them and believe them. I am so thankful for a friend like her. She can tell me my shirt looks wrong on me, point out my crooked thinking, and yet, I love her more for it. I am thankful for her honesty and kindness.

I am very lucky to be surrounded by wise friends, dedicated family, and a loving church. I am already planning my next blog....so watch out.