The Fog is Lifting

Well, it's been a while since my last blog. But so many things are happening, and I am happy to report, good things. The boys are beginning to settle in, Beau and I are finding a routine that works, and our family as a whole is feeling mostly calm again. Is is abundandly obvious that a good dose of family unity was needed. Beau is learning to balance work and family and I am learning to have a little more patience and acceptance. These things combined, and we are doing much better.

Will and Oliver began playing their first season of soccer in September. So that means we have 3 boys playing on 3 different leagues, at 3 different times, and in 3 different locations. This was a tricky feat since Beau and I only make up 2 people. But we managed and the boys enjoyed thier season. Will started off showing no interest in playing. In fact, his favorite part was eating snacks on the sidelines. But as we approach the end of the season, Will has started showing interest in the game (well, with a little bribery from Beau. The kid will do anything for Skittles!).

Oliver, with the exception of a couple of games, has showed serious interest in soccer and we are finding out that he is quite an athlete. That boy shows natural ability and skill on the soccer field and he is so much fun to watch. But the best part is that huge smile on his face as he kicks the ball with such determination. Ollie has a strong leg and an amazingly accurate aim.

Zander, of course, has played soccer since he was 4 years old. This season, he is playing on a league with kids aged 12 to 16. As you can imagine, there is a huge range in skill, size of the kids, and speed. But, I am proud to report that Zander has held his own.

He has dribbled that ball with such agility and precision, he has won out against some of the other older skilled boys on the team. Watching the kids play on this league is so exciting because of the athleticism on the field.

Oliver is finally potty trained. That was a huge feat because he can have a stubborn streak. But when he finally conquered #2 in the potty, which happened to be at a busy restaurant, Oliver came out of the restroom and announced to the entire restaurant that he "pooped in the potty". Strangely enough, I wasn't embarassed. I was so completely proud!!!

There is something quaint about small towns. They have some of the best little festivals and we sure have enjoyed each one of them. We are learning that it doesn't take the big fancy things to impress children. It's the simple things. Take picking out their own pumpkins for starters. We went to a real pumpkin patch recently. The people tending the farm handed us a pair of huge clippers. We actually got to cut our own pumpkin from the vine. Sure beats out the previous pumpkin picking we were used to that consisted of going to a local church and picking out one that was already cut, cleaned, and sitting nicely on a display. We then took the pumpkins home and painted them.

Each boy wanted a different color. My intention was to paint their footprints on each pumpkin and turn them into "friendly ghosts" but the boys lost thier interest soon after painting. They found that rolling down the hill in our front yard was far more fun. Boys!!!!

My best friend, Cami came and visited. Beau took some time off of work so that he could keep the kids and allowed she and I to go play for 4 days. I had an amazing time, but more importantly, I had some much needed girl time.

We are now talking about making this an annual trip!

Things are finally beginning to feel like a family again and we were becoming comfortable. Then, we had an unusual October New England snow storm which left us without power and running water for several days. The boys loved the snow. And surprisingly, Will, liked it the best. They are now pros at sledding down our hill. Our little Carter, we have found out, is a daredevil. We are going to have to watch that kid. We are now taking bets on who will be the first boy to visit the ER. I guess I better find out just where the hospital is located. Hmmm.

During this experience, we got some more bonding time with Beau. Beau was home from work, with no computer (so he couldn't work from home), so he got to give us his complete undivided attention for 5 whole days. It was awesome. We spent time with the kids just snuggling in front of the fireplace.

We talked. We played. We ate our dinners by candlelight. Thank you God for this time we all had together. However, I really thank God for our restored power and running water. I think I like electricity and flushing toilets.

Until next time.......

Batman Pajamas, Green Plates, and everything in between

I love my family. Each member of our family is so very different and unique and fun. We have so many funny stories, some of them almost hard to believe that they are even true. One day, I will have to do a blog about some of those. But for some of you wanting a small nugget, here are some quick things I have learned over the last few years. Desitin (bottom cream) makes excellent hair gel. It can keep a curl FOREVER. Dawn detergent makes LOTS of bubbles and is VERY slippery when all over the kitchen floor. Baby powder all over my clothes closet is incredibly hard to clean up. In fact, I still ocassionally put on a shirt and see the white powder. It takes about 45 minutes to wet vac my kitchen when SOMEONE overflows the kitchen sink (of my former home). Flushing kid's underwear down the toilet WILL create a massive clog, but the plumbers find it amusing. A 6 month old can in fact, swim in a huge puddle of apple juice (almost a full gallon of it). By the way, that takes about 15 minutes to wet vac up off of the kitchen floor. Any dessert sitting on the kitchen counter, even if it is wrapped up, IS fair game to any passersby. The wet spot on the wood living room where I cleaned Chocolate brownies makes Cami slip and fall. Having 3 boys in diapers makes for a lot of smelly moments. All that said, I love my kids and I can now laugh hysterically at those times.

I like to laugh. No, I love to laugh. I am thankful that all of my kids have provided many moments to giggle. However, usually laughter didn't occur at the very MOMENT some of the above mishaps took place, but now they are funny. As proud moms, we all enjoy celebrating the sweet milestones in our kids' lives. First time rolling over, first steps, first tooth, first birthday, first day of school. Such precious and proud times for parents. And I am no exception. We have tons of pictures, however, by the time we got to Carter, the pictures are fewer and further between. But we have still been able to capture important times with him. The Bennett's have passed all of the 1st birtdays with our boys, but I know many more milestones are to come with each one and I am really looking forward to sharing those with them.

However, sometimes the large milestones just aren't as important as they once were. Please don't misunderstand. ALL milestones are monumental, but sometimes there is a need to celebrate the small stuff. When it comes to Oliver, we have to do just that. We are in the beginning stages of realizing that he may need some additional help and there may be a diagnosis by the time we finish this whole process. But in the meantime, we are learning to find ways to encourage, nurture, and love Oliver the best way we know how. His favorite pajamas are Batman pajamas. Not any Batman pajamas. But ones that used to belong to Zander, so that makes them about 7 years old. At first, Beau and I were trying to soothe Ollie by allowing him to wear them EVERY SINGLE night. They are getting too small, the elastic is wearing out on the waistband, and quite frankly, they just are not that pretty anymore. But recently, Beau and I decided that we would lovingly explain to him that we can't always wear the same pajamas. Sometimes, we have to do things that we don't like or don't feel comfortable doing. Afterall, the world does not allow us to wear our Batman pajamas everyday. Teachers do not allow us to do what we want. Bosses don't put up with "our" way of doing things. So, we felt like we were helping Oliver. Let's just say we had about a week worth of nights with total meltdowns. I mean, the crying, throwing fits, screaming, begging, kinds of meltdowns. They never lasted under 30 minutes. But finally, Oliver has completely submitted to saying bye bye to the Batmans. This is a milestone for him and we are soooo proud.

We use different colored plastic plates for our 3 youngest boys. At first, it was fun. Each child got to pick their color for their meal and everyone was happy. Then, at one point, Oliver decided he would only use a green plate. That's fine, as long as nobody else wants that green plate. At first, we again tried to keep peace and comfort Ollie and allowed him the green plate. It was becoming easier to reason with Carter, our 2 year old, why HE couldn't have the green plate than it was to reason with Oliver. But again, Beau and I felt we were does a disservice to Ollie. He can't function in a world when he always gets his way. So, now when we put out the plates, each boy gets the same color. Oliver no longer gets to choose a color and we no longer have meltdowns. Another milestone. And we are soooooo proud of him.

This past Saturday, Ollie got to play for the first time on a soccer team. Beau and I were bracing ourselves because we really didn't know what to expect. Was he going to cry? Get mad? Run off? Be confused? There were so many possible scenerios and Beau and I were trying to be prepared for all of them. But then something amazing happened. Oliver had the absolute best time. With a huge smile on his face, he kicked that ball all over the field and he even scored a goal (however, he scored the goal for the opposing team!!). But the point is, he had fun. He didn't hold back. We saw a side of Oliver that was fun and "normal". What a milestone. And we are sooooo proud of him.

I heard a friend say recently that in dealing with her autistic children, she has finally learned that she must change her expectations. I think I am there. However, I also know that with every small milestone that Oliver passes, it is reason for huge celebration. And each time, I will be sooooo proud.

Letting Pride Get in My Way

I think that when most women imagine what their future families are going to be like, none of them envision having children with "issues". They don't think about their childrens' disobedience, or their bad behaviors. Future moms, including myself, dreamt of the game nights, family vacations, play dates, academic successes, hanging out at the ballfields, and grandchildren.

When Beau and I had Zander, we had a slight setback in the beginning as we were awaiting a clean bill of health (which didn't come until he was about a year old). But after that, Beau and I made up for lost time. We took Zander everywhere with us. He was that kid that was easy. He loved people and people loved him. He was ALMOST always well behaved. I believe we had to leave a restaurant one time due to a complete meltdown. Otherwise, Zander was the kid that other adults would comment favorably about. Now, please don't think that I am that naive mom who thinks her child is perfect. He certainly has his obedience issues, as any child does. Zander carried on very mature conversations with adults. Beau and I were so proud of him....in fact, we still are.

Then, we were lucky enough to adopt William. Although Will is far more spunky than Zander was at that age, Will is still very well behaved (when it counts). In public places, Will acts beyond his years, mostly. He has that charm that old women and young girls love. He is funny, cute, and engaging. He is much like Zander was at that age. Will can carry on a conversation as well and adults enjoy talking to him. So, again, Beau and I are very proud.

Then we come to our sweet Oliver. When Oliver came to live with us, Zander was 9 and Will was 1 and Ollie was 6 months. Since, at this point, I was outnumbered, I didn't leave the house very often. In fact, I stayed home as much as possible. As the boys became older, and theoretically more manageable, I still stayed home more. I told myself it was simply too much to juggle with 3 boys where 2 were under the age of 18 months. Oliver was and still is a very endearing little boy, however, we run into many little behaviors that have to be managed delicately.

Then, once again, our family was blessed with another child. This time, it was Carter. He came to us when he was just 2 months old and at that point, Zander was 10, Will was 2, and Ollie was 18 months. I only thought I was busy and homebound before. But now, I was seriously busy and almost never ventured out of the house. 3 carseats, 3 sets of diapers, 1 huge diaper bag, and no shopping carts that would adequatley accomodate 3 little ones.

I now had a 2 year old that was "Mr. Independent", an 18 month old who wanted to be "Mr. Independent" but got mad if I treated him and lessor, and a 2 month old that needed EVERYTHING from me. My previous days where I spent time with each one intentionally and purposefully singing, playing, and teaching them quickly turned into "managing" them.

Through all of this, months passed and Oliver developed new behaviors. Behaviors that required creative parenting. New skills like teaching coping, dealing with change, compromising, and handling disappointments. For me, I had to go to God daily for patience. Lots of patience.

Anyway, as you know, we as a family have endured a lot during this past year. But, finally, we are all together and working on normalcy. I am thankful for us being together, but I am not sure we will ever achieve "normalness". I have had time to reflect on the past year, and even the past 2 years. I have realized that those times I didn't go places wasn't because it was hard to manage 3 little ones. I mean, yes, it is hard to manage 3, but I was more fearful of having to try to explain away and justify behaviors to other people. I was fearful of the looks I might receive. I was fearful people would think I was a bad mom. I didn't want people to think what I was already feeling. It's always the mom's fault, isn't it?

Then we moved to New Hampshire and we are attending a sweet little church that Beau found for our family. This church is made up of genuine, God-loving people that are completely endearing. These people have truly gone our of their way to make the Bennett's feel welcome and have included us in their circles. Until I moved here, the church was awesome at "looking after" my Beau and Zander. They were invited for home cooked meals, 4th of July barbeques, and Bible studies. I was so thankful for them during our time of separation because I knew Beau had help if he ever needed it. Because of the size of the church, there was no children's church. All of the children sat quietly and calmly during service....the entire time. Children of all ages, yes, toddlers too sat next to their mommys and daddys and listened to the sermon. Now, I know they didn't understand much, but the fact that they could behave for that amount of time was shocking to me. In fact, intimidating.

Now, because this church has sincerely tried to minister to our family and help make us feel welcomed, they decided that they wanted to start a children's church. At first, I was so excited. But I soon realized that this program was being started for the sole purpose of accomodating MY children. MY children who wouldn't be able to sit still and behave long enough in church. MY children. We had become THAT family. You know the one I am talking about. The family that everyone else looks upon and thinks poorly of. I was so humiliated, saddened, embarassed, and discouraged.

So, my initial response to this was to hide from the situation and not return to this church. The very church where I was already falling in love with the people and was already beginning to build some sweet relationships. So, Sunday morning rolled around. I begrudingly showered, got dressed, and ate breakfast. But all through this process, I was mad and crying all at the same time. I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO CHURCH AND FACE ALL THOSE PEOPLE. Beau, being the wise, rational, and loving husband that he is, explained to me that I was making much more out of this than I needed to. He felt that God was working on something for us and for the church. In fact, he very honestly, lovingly, and brutally pointed out to me that I was being prideful. Well, that's an ugly sentence to lay on poor, victimized me. I mean, afterall, I was hurting. I finally made it very clear to the family that I was not going to church and in fact, I was quitting church. So, Beau responded very candidly. He MADE ME drive to the church and explain why we wouldn't be returning. I spitefully did just that. Or planned to at least. I prayed all the way there. I wanted to quit. I wanted to climb into a hole and pretend none of this existed. I prayed that God would give me the right words and right attitude once I began speaking. I prayed he would soften my heart and heal my pain. I prayed he would simply FIX my children. I certainly didn't want to say anything hurtful to anyone. Afterall, they were only trying to help. I knew in my mind that my hurt was self induced but I didn't know what to do.

I parked, wiped away my tears, and slowly walked up the long drive way to the small, quaint, church. I still didn't know what I was going to say all the way up until I sat down across the table from the pastor's wife. But suddenly, I was filled with words and peace. God granted me the calmness to get through the conversation. But more importantly, God gave Sue the exact right words and expressions to melt my fears. With just a few kind, gentle, loving words, I completely forgot why I was feeling to badly. Sue exlained to me that they felt God was using our family to prepare them for new things. Perhaps new families to come to the church. She showed me the rooms that they had prepared during that week for our children. These rooms were somehow filled with toys, books, and tables for activities. Sue also explained how so many people volunteered to help out in the children's rooms, that she actually had to turn some away.

I left that morning with a whole new sense of humilty. I WAS being prideful. Beau WAS right. We are all called to minister to people. But sometimes, it is us, who need to be ministered to. I forgot that all this fostering and adopting WAS our ministry and our church was simply trying to minister to the Bennetts. I also forgot that God uses us in many different ways. I don't know HIS plan for our church, but now, if another family visits expecting a children's church, we have one. If I have to be THAT family, I sincerely hope it is for God's glory and not my own.

Later that afternoon, I was still trying to process all of this. I had a conversation with my dear friend, Cami. She said almost exactly what Beau and Sue had said earlier. However, even though they were mostly the same words, she has a way of really making me hear them and believe them. I am so thankful for a friend like her. She can tell me my shirt looks wrong on me, point out my crooked thinking, and yet, I love her more for it. I am thankful for her honesty and kindness.

I am very lucky to be surrounded by wise friends, dedicated family, and a loving church. I am already planning my next blog....so watch out.

The Power of Facebook

In today's society, people have very strong opinions about everything. From Politics, Religion, Education, Health Care, to the National Debt. Well, Facebook is no exception. You have those on one extreme that totally love Facebook. But you also have those on the opposite extreme that are adamently opposed to social networking. I can see both sides.

Facebook is a fun, easy, and unintrusive way to keep up with your 100's of so-called "close" friends. It's fun to see what people are "doing now", or to see "whatever happened to so and so", or what is "he or she up to". Lost relationships have been reunited. People get advice (sometimes solicited and sometimes not). People get to share cute little stories about their kids. People make plans for Saturday night. People advertise businesses on Facebook. So really, Facebook is ok, right?

But then, you have the other side. The ugly side. The side that can be scary. You have marriages broken up because high school sweethearts are re-kindling what they "once had". You have children that are far too young and far too unsupervised using Facebook. You see many inappropriate rants and raves put out there for 100's of people to see. You have bullying occuring. You have children and adults that never go outside because they are glued to their computer. You have children growing up without the skills to communicate properly. You have people getting on their soapboxes and using Facebook as their podium. I don't want to read negative things on Facebook. I can turn on the news for that.

Facebook for me has become a quick way to keep up with people that I care about. I have 160+ friends. Are they all someone I would like to go hang out with for a day? No. Are they all someone I would chat with for hours on the phone? No. But, they are all someone that I have shared some part of my life with. They all have meaning in my life. I have a sweet memory with each and every one of them. Yes, some of them are dear, dear, friends whom I would love to hang out all day long with or chat on the phone for hours with. But not 160+ of them.

All this being said, I am a Facebook lover. I enjoy Facebook. I love seeing pictures of my friends' families, their vacations, and inspirational things. I like when something I read on Facebook feeds my spirit and convicts me to grow and change. I love reading funny stories. I also enjoy posting my crazy life out there. But be rest assured, you will NOT see me post anything negative, hurtful, or ugly. I do not use Facebook as a place to post my opinions about anything controversial. I just don't see Facebook as a forum for that. Just MY opinion.

I also have a son that I just recently allowed to start a Facebook account. He was so happy to re-connect with his friends and classmates from Florida. But please know that I have his password, I DO check his account, and we Facebook TOGETHER. I am happy to report that he isn't addicted to Facebook.

Now, I finally come to the real reason for this post. Today, I got to see first hand how Facebook can be used as a ministry. I innocently posted today that I can't wait for our funiture to get here and that the boys are running out of things to do with their limited toys that we brought up in the van. Within 2 hours of this post, I had a woman from our new church here in NH drop by with 3 boxes full of boy toys. Do you know how happy she just made 5 people. Yes, 5 people. My 4 boys and ME!!!!! Then, just an hour after the toys arrived, I had a phone call from the pastors wife and she wanted to bring me dinner. Now, when I posted that status this morning, I was only posting how much I will appreciate Friday when our "junk" will be here. Little did I know it would spark this kind of response.

How blessed am I to be a part of my new church family and opportunities to embark on some new relationships? God is definitely taking this family out of our comfort zone. He is testing us in new ways. He has taken a girl that has never lived outside of Florida since the age of 10 and put her in a whole new world. He is good. He is faithful. I am also thankful for technology, like Facebook so that I can keep up with my 160+ "best friends". If you are my facebook friend AND I talk to you on the phone, then you know how special you are to me.

Learning to Cope

Ok, since I have found blogging therapeutic, you may be seeing many more posts from me. Sorry.

A lot of things have been running through my head lately and because of that, I have been able to be distracted from the one major thing that is greatly worrying me. My sweet, big round eyed, soft wavy haired little Oliver. He comes with a smile that is so contagious and his eyes light up a room when he's happy. Beau refers to Ollie as our future "gentle giant". Ollie is full of tenderness and compassion.....but it is often masked behind his quick, hot temper.

Oliver was brought to us on August 7, 2008. He was just a little over 6 months and was adorable cute. He was our first foster son. I was so scared and so excited. I knew without a doubt that God had called Beau and I to this place of fostering. But I was still nervous about the "unknown". After all, this child was not my own. He was in the system because obviously something was wrong with his biological family, otherwise, he would not have been seperated from them. He already had a troubled history, even at such a young age. His previous home was that of a foster parent and even there he was not properly being cared for. Oliver was never abused, but he was born to a mother with severe mental problems. Oliver's previous foster mother withheld bottles from him because he was "too fat". So, she began feeding him only baby jarred food with an occasional bottle. A baby needs the nutrients from their formula to develop properly. Oliver was left all day long to lay in a bouncy seat. He wasn't sitting up (not even close to having the back strength). He was not even close to crawling. But, Beau and I fell in love with him instantly. I, however, especially found a bond with Oliver. He became glued to me instantly.

Over the next few weeks, I made it my mission to work a lot with Oliver. Will was great during this time. Only being 13 months old himself, Will had an instant buddy. He sat along side me while I worked with Oliver building up his strength and coordination. I helped Oliver do sit ups, stretches, flexing exercises, and tummy time. I saw immediate improvements and knew that my labor was really making a difference. I was thrilled and just felt more confirmed everyday that he was supposed to be in our home.

Don't get me wrong. Managing a busy 9 year old, an inquisitive and active 13 month old, and now a "high maintenance" 6+ month old was definitely very difficult and demanding. I immediately began going far fewer places, had less time on the phone with friends, and was tired all the time. However, this was all ok because I knew I was ministering to this little boy. At this time, Beau and I didn't know how long this little guy would live with us because he had family members trying to adopt him. We were ok with that. We understood. We were trained for that. But, we would love him for as long as he was in our home. And we were totally content with that.

However, as months passed, we became very attached to Oliver. The bond between Oliver and William was that of a genuine brotherly connection. They loved each other. For the most part, Oliver was easy going. Really, the only time he pitched an uncontrollable fit was when his bottle was empty. I attributed that bahavior to his previous experiences of not having a bottle when he needed them. So, that behavior got written off. As Oliver got older, he was easy. Will was always under my feet wanting attention and that required a lot of my time. Oliver, on the other hand, was completely content to go off into the play room and play alone. Especially when Ollie learned to walk, he would wander around all the time by himself. But because he was "being good, not breaking anything, and playing contently and quietly", I allowed it. I often thought, wow, what a great kid. During this time, we had another foster daughter in the house and she had serious behaviors that required ALOT of my focus. So, I was happy that Ollie was "easy".

Oliver would frequently watch events around him from afar. He never truly engaged. He studied them. He mimicked them. But, he was ok with being removed from them. Because Oliver was so quiet and spoke so few words, I often wondered what was going on in his mind. Will was the kid that had an amazing vocabulary and I NEVER had to guess what HE was thinking. I thought Oliver just wasn't learning. I was worried but as sweet friends kept reminding me, Oliver was 6 months younger than Will. The gap between Will and Ollie seemed normal and justifiable. In the back of my mind, I still had concerns. But, I blew them off. Maybe fear. Maybe sadness.

Just after Oliver turned 2 and just before we adopted him, I had him evaluated by a clinician. I just wanted someone else to tell me he was ok. I NEEDED someone else to tell me he was ok. And I got that. Little did I understand at that time, he was simply too young to be truly diagnosed. But, the "seal of good mental health" satisfied me for a time.

Other behaviors began to develop with Ollie. His temper became sometimes uncontrollable. Often at times that didn't even make sense to me. People kept telling me it was that "hispanic hot-tempered blood". Again, I was ok with that. Also, Ollie became very obsessed with details. Like directions. He would have complete meltdowns if I went a different way home. I wrote this off as Ollie just being very direction oriented. Finally, Ollie started spitting out all the things I had been teaching him over the last months. All at ONCE. He started counting and saying lots of words. He started saying the alphabet. He started recognizing random numbers and letters. I saw this as an improvement and became very delighted with Ollie's progress. Oliver also began giving affection which was a very huge step in the right direction. Previously, his affection was forced and uncomfortable. It wasn't natural for him.

Beau and I often times used special expressions to describe Oliver to other people when behaviors seemed abnormal. We said things like, "He marches to the beat of his own drum", or "He's just very passionate", or "That's just Ollie". We would take Oliver to the playground. Instantly, Will had lots of friends and was the "popular kid". Ollie would always play and talk. But he played NEAR kids and he talked AT kids. But never played WITH kids and never talked TO kids. Beau and I just thought he was shy.

Then Beau left for New Hampshire. His absense very apparently affected Will and Carter. But Ollie seemed to be ok. Afterall, he was mostly attached to me so I thought everything was going to be easiest for Oliver during our temporary separation. So, once again, my focus was mostly on consoling Will and Carter. But as the weeks turned into months, I began to see additional "bad behaviors" from Ollie. I punished him frequently with time out. I am not a big supporter of spanking and we only use that method of punishment for the more serious offenses. I was finding myself spanking Ollie more and more frequently, but I was not seeing an improvement in his behavior. If anything, things were worse. Between daddy and brother being gone, my lack of structure, and my fatigue, Ollie just could no longer hold it together. He more he acted out, the more frustrated and ill-equipped I felt to handle it. Everytime his temper escalated, mine did too. Now, I am the grown up and should have handled it better. But I didn't. The harder I tried to push Oliver into "normal" behaviors, the more he shut down. It was like trying to force a round peg into a square hold....just not gonna happen.

Well, here we are. Oliver is 3 1/2 and is still my sweet little boy. But now, I am at a place where I can openly admit that I think Ollie needs some help. I am not a clinician. I am not a therapist. I have not had intense child pyschology classes. But, I am a mother. Moms just know. I know that Oliver has some kind of connection that is lost or broken. The next big step is to accept that, embrace that, and learn to cope. I know that Ollie is special. Not in the "mentally challenged" way but in the "gift from God" way. I know that Oliver is supposed to be in our family and I am truly thankful for him. Nothing will ever change my feelings and love for him. He is my son. He is a Bennett. And I am proud.

What Now?

I did it. I survived 8+ months of being a single parent with 3 small children while Beau and Zander were in NH surviving bachelorhood. Everything that I prayed for, cried about, became angry over, laid awake at night and thought about, and dreamt about has finally become a reality. I am sitting here in New Hampshire, the proud mother of FOUR Bennett boys, and a husband that I get to sleep next to every night. A state that has real seasons, snow, beautiful colors in the Fall, and mild Summers. There are rolling hills, huge shady trees, wildlife in my own back yard, no traffic, sounds of nature....everything that this girl has been anticipating and looking forward to for months. So if this is everything I could want, then why am I so unhappy. I mean, don't get me wrong. Of course there was the initial excitment of knowing that this is actually home and now that includes 6 family members. It was awesome walking into the house the other evening and having a huge weight lifted. No more social workers, no more being under the microscope, no more sleeping alone at night, no more wiping away tears from my boys' faces as they cried for their daddy, no more juggling everybody just so I could go to the grocery store, no more fear that someone is going to just show up at the door and see the "real situation". That situation would be kids running around, sometimes fully dressed and sometimes not. Dishes in the sink. Laundry everywhere...and usually not folded and ready to be put away. Food crumbs from breakfast still on the floor. Allowing the tv to babysit my kids just so I could have a few minutes to get re-energized.

I had very dear and loyal friends keep me going during the last 8 months. Food was brought to me, encouraging conversations over the phone keep me pepped, maid services was hired on my behalf, and friends often times babysat so I could attend court hearings and doctor's appointments. A group of ladies came over about once a month to my house at the kids' bedtimes and just hung out with me. Those times were so precious to me and were sometimes my only means of survival for the next week. My friends are the absolute best that anyone could ever ask for and I so did not deserve them, but I certainly did appreciate them. They were all great at pumping me up and telling me what a wonderful mom I was. It did make me feel good for a while. But now, now that everything is becoming real to me, I am beginning to see things much more clearly. I see that I allowed bad behaviors to develop because they went unpunished. I see that bad habits went unchecked. Our mealtimes were no longer the "sacred family time" that it once was. We ate every single dinner at the table as a family. This is when we prayed as a family while holding hands. And believe me, when we prayed, we were all truly thankful for that day. I got to tell Beau about the day's events and the funny "boy" stories. Zander shared about his day at school. The boys even chimed in. Often times, Beau would lead everyone in silly songs (after we were done eating of course). This is the one time of the day where we were all united and whole. But all that went away when Beau left. It didn't have to because as the mom, it was my responsibility to carry on those traditions for my kids. But I didn't. I was too self-absorbed in my own self pity.

Schedules and routines were a thing of the past. There no longer was any rhyme or reason to how I did things. Children thrive on routines and that is just one more thing that I failed my kids. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I even knew what things I needed to do to correct them. But I didn't. I had every excuse in the book, but the ugly truth was that I had stopped caring.

Now, here I am. As I see it, there really are only a couple of choices I have to make now. Beau and I have made commitments to each other about deleting the bad habits we started while apart and replacing with the good parenting skills that we used to have. It is going to be hard to re-train the boys, but I have faith in God and faith in my husband that we can do this. The alternative is simply not a choice for us. We love each other and our children too much to not make the appropriate changes.

So now, Beau and I have to learn how to be a married couple again. We have to buckle down with the finances again. We have to parent firmly but lovingly again (with consistency). We have to re-insert routines again. We have to learn how to communicate again. We have to live together again. All of these things are wonderful things. The "have to's" will soon become "get to's".

I learned things about myself during the last months. I totally rely on Beau for far more than I ever thought. I do believe that a man and a woman should parent a child together (if possible). I am much weaker than I thought. I am much more stubborn that I thought. I am fully capable of becoming an emotional wreck and irrational at a drop of a hat. Organization is absoltely vital for MY life. I pray that God does not separate Beau and I again. I do think that 4 is enough. I don't like paying bills. I hate killing bugs, pulling weeds, and taking out the trash. Every noise that I hear at night just means that the "boogie man" IS real and he IS out to get me. I watched over 140 episodes of Scrubs and never grew tired of the show. I like sleeping in the middle of the bed with ALL the pillows. But most importantly, I adore my husband and appreciate all that he does.

In the meantime, thank you so much Cami Franklin, Patty Fogarty, Lauren Palombo, Tina Jamieson, Betsi Torres. You guys loved me when I found it hard to love myself.

I do look forward the the next chapter in my life. I do embrace a new state, new family member, all new experiences, new everything. In fact, I am excited. Just writing this blog was completely therapeutic.

Until next time.......

Am I raising children, or bouncy balls?

I once read in a blog one time about a mother raising her 3 boys. In a particular entry, the stated that she sometimes felt like she didn't have little boys, but rather, bouncy balls. I laughed at first, but soon realized that is exactly how I feel most of the time being around my 4 boys. You know, just picture it. What happens if you were to drop 4 bouncy balls to the floor? They bounce in every direction, with no control whatsoever. The balls run into and potentially break anything in it's path. Exactly the perfect description for my 4 active, busy boys.

I am an only child and I once believed that was a sad and lonely way to be raised. Then I married Beau and it was so exciting because he had 5 younger brothers. I immediately started envisioning how my holidays and family get togethers would be like from then on. It would be a joyous time for family to sit around and reminisce, play games, and make new memories. What I failed to understand that eventhough all 6 Bennett brothers had the same parents, each boy was significantly different. And boys play differently than girls. Remember the bouncy balls? They fight, they pick at each other, they wrestle, they compete, they brag, and they joke around...ruthlessly. It didn't take me long to see that these family gatherings were going to fall short of my plans, and I would leave each time with a migraine from the noise and sensory overload.

I used to tease my sweet, beloved mother in law, Becki that I would NEVER have a house full of boys. Beau and I had always thought we would be happy with 2, maybe 3 children. I wanted girls and Beau swore he could only conceive boys. Either way, I figured I would have at least one girl. I used to almost pity Becki because of the constant rucous at the Bennett home. I used to not understand how the house could become so messy and beat up. I mean, seriously, all it took was a little organization and daily clean up to keep the house in order. I would never let things get out of control if I was the mother of a bunch of boys. This coming for a girl who had NO children yet. It's always easy to fix other people's problems, isn't it?

Well, Beau and I have been married for 13+ years and we are now the lucky parents of 4, yes, 4 boys. I know Becki is laughing from beyond the grave. And I deserve it too. Boys are noisy. Boys play rough. Boys are incredibly inquisitive. Boys are very independent. Boys like to "figure" things out. Boys like to "fix" things. Boys like to take things apart so that they can "figure them out and fix them". Needless to say, there is NEVER a dull moment in our home. There are some days that I am ready to pull my hair out. Days where I just want to hide so that I can have some quiet time to finish my thoughts. There are even days when I would like to drive my kids 20 miles away, drop them off, and speed home hoping they would never find their way back. Although, I know Oliver would definitely find him way home. His sense of direction is amazing.

But then moments like last night occur making being a mommy of 4 boys awesome. Will and Ollie had a hard time going to sleep and so they were up giggling and talking. For the first time ever, I simply ignored them. I was curious to see what they would do if left unattended. After about 30 minutes of "controlled" goofing around, they fell asleep together in the same bed holding hands.

I may have been an only child where my home was quiet, controlled, organized, clean, and non-chaotic. Although those are all great things, I will never have the memories of falling asleep with my sibling holding hands, or staying up late giggling, or learning how to share at such a young age, or having a best friend and worst enemy all wrapped up into one person, or having someone else to blame for the broken lamp in the house.

So, I guess, if I am going to raise 4 bouncy balls, I am thankful for the ones I have.

A Brand New Commitment

Well, obviously I haven't written in over a year. But, with the inspiration from a dear friend, Cami, I have decided to rededicate my attention to keeping up a blog. After all, there is just so much that happens in our home on a daily basis, I could never remember it all. I am sitting here at the desk typing this as Oliver is "flying" his Buzz Lightyear action figure around my head and very excitedly yelling "To Infinity and Beyond". So, it is very difficult to concentrate, but, I will get through this post. Smile, breathe, and keep typing.....

Our family has seen so many changes in recent months and although I know that these changes mean awesome things for our family, I am still trying to find the ability to appreciate them. It is truly a struggle daily to remember good in all of this. You see, several months ago, Beau got a call from a potential employer in Nevada. It was Zander's 2nd day of 6th grade at Orange Park Elementary when he received the call. And eventhough I desired a change for both Beau and our family, partly because I knew how unhappy he was at work, and partly because I desired a change for reasons I didn't understand, I was scared. I couldn't even imagine living in Nevada. But, being the supportive wife, I told Beau I trusted him. So, he and I took a trip to Nevada for 7 days. We told ourselves that regardless of the outcome, we were just so excited to have a few days alone. Really, a vacation in a sense.

Before we left for Nevada, I encouraged Beau (without being nagging hopefully) to put his resume in elsewhere. You know, testing the waters and see if any other offers presented themselves. There was a company in New Hampshire that he had desired to apply for almost a year prior, but he didn't. The timing wasn't right and God wasn't leading him in that direction. Well, he went to their website once again and there was no job position available, but with God and my support, he put in his resume. But we didn't hear back. And so, we considered it a lost cause. We went to Nevada, enjoyed our time there, and Beau was offered a job. I was excited for Beau because it was the boost he needed and he was excited because of the possibilities of working with Ben and Dan. However, the numbers just didn't work. He tried in every way to make the money fit our needs but all the doors were being slammed shut. And believe me, if there was a way to make it work, Beau would have found it. Apparently, however, while we were in Nevada, the New Hampshire company emailed us and wanted to meet Beau. Now, they didn't have a job posted, but they said that they actually created a position for Beau and forwarded him a job description. How cool is that? So, off Beau went to interview for this job. Now, what was even more cool about all of this is that Beau had asked me months prior if I could live anywhere in the US, where would it be? I responded with NC or New England. Well, NH was definitely New England. Anyway, the company in NH offered Beau a job. Not just a job, but an offer that he literally could not refuse. We didn't even negotiate the offer because they were that generous. Yeah for Beau.

Once Beau accepted the job in NH, after much prayer, crunching numbers on paper, and discussion with the family, the doors flew open making everything possible. We know all of that was a God thing. So, on November 12, 2010, Beau drove to New Hampshire to start his new job on November 15. He left me and the 4 boys behind for the sole purpose of hopefully finalizing Carter's adoption. Today is March 14, 2011 and we are still apart. So, you see, I know that God is good and that it is a true blessing to have a great job in today's economy, but being apart is so hard. Being apart is testing my every bit of strength, patience, parenting abilities, and mercy. There are many days that I feel that I am failing miserably in all these areas and other days where I feel like I could conquer the world. I know that God puts us in these positions so that we will look to Him, but I sure wish I would learn whatever lesson He has for me soon.

I am truly thankful for the friends that I have surrounding me with their love, words of encouragement, ears to listen, and their constant redirection of me to my faith and truth from the Bible. I don't know WHEN this will all end, I don't even know for sure HOW this will end, but I do know that I have made it this far with God's hand and my family and friends.

Until next time..........