Standing on the Edge

You know that feeling when you are teetering between taking a leap of faith or standing on safe ground?  Have you ever felt torn or even frightened to make a decision?  Where decision A is to continue to do the same thing but has proven to be unsuccessful and where decision B has possibilities but is scary.  Well, Beau and I are standing on the very tip of the ledge and last night we prayerfully made the decision to jump.  However, just in making the decision is a relief in itself.  Whether or not plan B will work it is just nice to have a new hope.

I have described Oliver in many of my blogs.  He is such a love, but he gets so much of my "blog attention" because frankly, he can be very high maintenance.  You know the old saying, "the squeaky wheel gets the grease", well, that's what happens in our family.  Zander is older, and other than his occasional "teenage" moments, he is independent.  Will, although he is only 6, is very easy.  He is laid back and calm, therefore, he does not require intense parental involvement.  Carter, 4, loves to use his imagination and sing and plays by himself constantly.   But Oliver is in need of constant refereeing, supervision, guidance, reminders, ques, and attention (unless he is playing with his Legos, in which case he could be "lost" in his room for hours building an awesome airplane or race car).  We work very hard to carve time out with each child; time that is valuable and meaningful.  We also appreciate our family time.  However, much of our day is consumed with helping Oliver overcome something.  His emotions are always felt in the extreme.  His sadness is in the true depths of despair.  His excitement is revealed in hyperness.  His anger is rage.  There is no level ground for him which makes our days very tumultuous at minimum.  Even our youngest son, Carter, has learned in order to get along with Oliver, there must be much compromising whereby Carter gives in a lot.  Although that is not what I wish to have happen because I don't want to cater to Oliver's every whim, but in the effort of "getting along" the other five of us make these concessions regularly.  It's easier.  But it's wrong. 

Oliver has finally received an official diagnosis.  It is different than what I had expected.  He suffers from anxiety, depression, and sensory issues.  The anxiety and sensory issues are very apparent, but the depression scares me.  If this goes on unchecked and unaided, this diagnosis could literally be the death of my little boy.  When Beau and I adopted Ollie, we knew there was family history that would possibly present problems for our little guy.  But we believed, deep down in our hearts, that with enough love, safety, nurturing, and consistency, Oliver would overcome these odds.  We love Oliver with every ounce of our souls, and yet, it's not enough.  I read in a friend's blog recently who is going through some medical and developmental issues with her own son that he was "broken".  I truly understand that.  But, then, aren't we all broken in some way?  As a mom, you begin to look inward to find fault for your children's dysfunctions.  Surely, I've done something wrong.  I am inadequate somewhere.  Oliver isn't getting what he needs from ME.  I am failing.  But, then I have to believe that God has a purpose for everything and if that is true, then there is purpose in Oliver being a Bennett and there is purpose in Oliver suffering from these diagnosis.  Maybe we as a family is learning more tolerance, more empathy, more patience, how to love when it is hard to do that sometimes?  These are all worthy skills to learn and wouldn't we all benefit from these? 

Anyway, our decision to begin some kind of drug therapy has begun.  Oliver has an appointment with a psychiatrist next month.  Beau and I held off on this decision for months because we felt that as parents, it was our duty to exhaust every other avenue before turning to drugs.  This was a very difficult decision to make and we struggled with this.  It is a scary thought to put a little person on such "big" medicines.  But watching Oliver struggle daily with anxiety, discomforts, fears, and anger is just no longer worth it.  We have tried therapy (to a small extent), we have altered his diet, we are working with OT, he has several accommodations at school, and yet, these are not enough.  Oh yes, he has good days.  But when he has a bad day, it's an AWFUL day.  But just knowing that Beau and I prayed about this issue for months and feeling confident that God has led us down this path, we take comfort in this decision. 

If you feel led, please pray for our little guy.  He is such a love with a tender heart.  I promise.  It's in there, just hidden by all his "stuff".  Thank you for all those that continue to pray, offer encouragement, and give us support.  It is appreciated.

It's Fall time again!!!

Hot chocolate, raking leaves, apple season, pumpkin picking, and seat warmers in the car....yep, sounds like Fall in New England.  If I haven't mentioned it before, this is my FAVORITE time of year.  Vibrant colors on the trees, and ground, crisp coolness in the air, squirrels scrimmaging for their last opportunities for acorns.  Oh, it just doesn't get any better than this.  I have already made the many treks downstairs to the basement to remove the summer clothes from my closet and replace them with my winter ones.  Mittens, gloves, scarves, and hats will be out soon.  Can not wait. 

Nap time in freshly cleaned laundry---still warm from the dryer

This fall was much like last year.  We did the same kind of things but made new memories too.  We attended the small festival, Old Home Days again.  But this year, we could walk to the field as it is literally right outside our new neighborhood.  The boys, as usual, had a really fun time.  William even met up with a best friend from Pre-K and they rode some rides together.  These two were inseparable last year and they were so excited to see each other again. 

Will and Colin

 

Doesn't that smile say everything?

Will and Colin



Snack time

Sad face because his huge lollipop fell to the ground

He's growing up

 

Too tired to make it to bed after the fair

Zander made the high school junior varsity soccer team and so Beau and I enjoyed being able to see most of his games. Zander was so proud to be a part of this team and we were thrilled to be able to watch the great sportsmanship and athleticism on the field from his whole team.

 

Beau spent a little time working on a project that I wanted him to complete.....a hangy thingy for coats and backpacks.  I found some ideas from Pinterest and this is what we came up with.  I already had the bench, we bought the cubby shelf for less than $10.00 at Lowe's on clearance and then bought the bead board and trim and some black paint and Beau put it all together.  I love this creation and I am so thankful that Beau is willing to participate in these small projects. 

 

Then my parents came to visit for a few days.  My kids are always so excited to see their nana and poppy and I am thankful for their relationship.  My parents only stayed for a few days but we made the most of their time here.  We went to one of Zander's soccer games, picked out pumpkins with the kids, and spent an afternoon out on the deck scooping out the pumpkins and carving them.  My mom tagged along with me as I made my multiple trips each day to the school to do drop offs and pick ups.  She decided that I am far too busy during the day but I think she appreciates what I do.  We enjoyed their visit and as always, it was sad to say goodbye. 

Carter's first attempt

Carter's second attempt

Beau finally "helped' him

 

Carved Pumpkin

Oliver's drawing

Carved pumpkin

Will's drawing

Carved pumpkin

I think Zander cheated

Finished pumpkin

Love you guys.  See you next time. 

 

 

Then we headed straight to Halloween.  Each year as the boys get older, Halloween becomes a little more fun and a whole lot easier.  The boys chose to dress up in Star Wars theme for Halloween 2013 and they had no trouble picking out their costumes.  Since there are only 11 houses in our neighborhood, the trick or treating part didn't last long.  But it was just enough to satisfy the boy's appetite for ringing the doorbells and yelling the obligatory "Trick or Treat" and receiving just enough candy to make them happy.  

 

L- Carter (clone trooper), Middle-Will (clone trooper, R- Oliver (Darth Vader)

Now most of the leaves have fallen leaving the trees mostly bare.  We are awaiting Thanksgiving and SNOW.  This will be my 3rd winter here in New Hampshire and my first one where we didn't have snow before Halloween.  Although I am kind of thankful for that, the boys are desperately anxous to begin playing in the snow.  Love and peace to all our family and friends during this wonderful season.

How I see it

I am sitting here in my comfy desk chair, sipping hot chocolate with marshmallows in my favorite snowman mug, wearing a baggy sweat shirt and old faded sweat pants, hair pulled up in a loose ponytail all while watching the sun fade away and darkness appear.  Today was a warm 50 degrees (the past 2 days were very chilly never making it out of the 30's).  This nonchalant appearance is a farce.  Many things are looming over me these days and causing anxiety. 

As I become older and hopefully wiser, I am becoming more politically aware, more conservative, more morally minded, more financially conscious, and more economically interested.  In my late teens and early 20's, I THOUGHT I believed in equal rights for men and women.  I THOUGHT I was liberal thinking.  I THOUGHT I was a Christian.  I also THOUGHT that these three things were separate and non related issues.  I never wanted to be controversial, mostly because I never had a solid thought of my own before.  But as I have become more aware of things, I am fearful. 

The current Obama care ad depicting a young lady wanting to "get" with a cute guy she just met and excited that her birth control is covered by insurance sickens me.  I shouldn't be shocked as this isn't new thinking in our current mainstream lifestyles, but then again, it does.  I don't want my boys to be taught that it is ok to "hook" up with a girl as long as she's on birth control.  What happened to good old fashioned courting?  You know.  That period of time when a man and a woman invest time to learn about each other, flirt a little, and practice self control.  Are we so deprived and self-indulged that we need to skip all that and go straight to the bedroom?  By the way, there is nothing better or more secure than having a physical relationship with the one person you love.  I want to raise my boys to respect women and their bodies, regardless of how a woman portrays herself.  There are so many outside influences like media, pornography, social networks that weaken a woman's image.  But ultimately, it is the parents' job to teach and guide their children.  Even at my children's young age, I pray for their future spouses.  I pray for there to be a genuine love for each other, but only after they have a genuine love for God. 

It is sometimes hard for me to have these opinions now when in my younger days I didn't live by these rules.  Maybe down deep I always knew what was right, but I didn't care enough.  It certainly wasn't my parents fault.  They were my biggest fans and they lived a moral lifestyle.  Poor self confidence and a lack of self worth led me down a path that was often times wrong but I am thankful for a forgiving and merciful God who has made me new. 

I am not going to debate whether or not in theory Obama care is a good or bad endeavor.  Frankly, I am not versed well enough in the plan to say.  But if it takes this kind of shock advertising to make it a "sellable" item, then I think we need to really think this through.  I worry about our Nation.   

When I first got married, I truly believed that Beau and I were an equal partnership (but really, in my mind, I was in control).  I was a princess to be taken care of and doted on.  Now, I know that we are equals in God's eyes, but we have different positions in our family.  Those positions are equally important, but one carries with it a huge responsibility.  Beau is the leader of our home.  That was one of the hardest concepts for me to understand when I became a Christian.  But leader doesn't mean dictatorship.  It means responsibility and accountability.  When Beau gently leads and I graciously submit, we have a most loving relationship that is rewarding to both of us and honoring to God.  It means he loves me completely and I respect him genuinely.  Don't we all want to be loved and respected?  When both partners embrace these roles, it is freeing and safe.  One day, Beau will stand before God and be held accountable for his role as husband and father.  So I now have a much deeper appreciation for his role in our family.  Today, as an adult that has been married for almost 16 years, I understand what a true partnership means.  However, I worry about and pray for families in our nation today that are separated, divorced, adulterous, unloving, unforgiving, and selfish. 

I am not an eloquent speaker nor a skillful writer, but my simple blog is therapeutic for me.  And sometimes, just sometimes, others read my blog and feel they can relate. 

But as I was pondering over these things today, I was given a sweet break.  Will and Ollie came home today with their artistic renditions of something.  I haven't quite figured it out yet, but I enjoy these simple pleasures.  They were so excited to make, paint, glaze, and fire their pottery in school.  Over the years, Zander has come home with some kind of art piece and has proudly placed it on my "art" shelf.  But today, Will and Oliver have joined the shelf.  Now, please know, that no one in this family is an artist (as you can see from the pictures).  But I love each one of the masterpieces none the less.  As the saying goes, "only a mother could love."

My version of ET made in third grade (I think)

Side view---not any prettier

Zander's bowl

Zander's something?  I'm not sure what to call it.
 

William's bowl

Oliver's bowl