Standing on the Edge

You know that feeling when you are teetering between taking a leap of faith or standing on safe ground?  Have you ever felt torn or even frightened to make a decision?  Where decision A is to continue to do the same thing but has proven to be unsuccessful and where decision B has possibilities but is scary.  Well, Beau and I are standing on the very tip of the ledge and last night we prayerfully made the decision to jump.  However, just in making the decision is a relief in itself.  Whether or not plan B will work it is just nice to have a new hope.

I have described Oliver in many of my blogs.  He is such a love, but he gets so much of my "blog attention" because frankly, he can be very high maintenance.  You know the old saying, "the squeaky wheel gets the grease", well, that's what happens in our family.  Zander is older, and other than his occasional "teenage" moments, he is independent.  Will, although he is only 6, is very easy.  He is laid back and calm, therefore, he does not require intense parental involvement.  Carter, 4, loves to use his imagination and sing and plays by himself constantly.   But Oliver is in need of constant refereeing, supervision, guidance, reminders, ques, and attention (unless he is playing with his Legos, in which case he could be "lost" in his room for hours building an awesome airplane or race car).  We work very hard to carve time out with each child; time that is valuable and meaningful.  We also appreciate our family time.  However, much of our day is consumed with helping Oliver overcome something.  His emotions are always felt in the extreme.  His sadness is in the true depths of despair.  His excitement is revealed in hyperness.  His anger is rage.  There is no level ground for him which makes our days very tumultuous at minimum.  Even our youngest son, Carter, has learned in order to get along with Oliver, there must be much compromising whereby Carter gives in a lot.  Although that is not what I wish to have happen because I don't want to cater to Oliver's every whim, but in the effort of "getting along" the other five of us make these concessions regularly.  It's easier.  But it's wrong. 

Oliver has finally received an official diagnosis.  It is different than what I had expected.  He suffers from anxiety, depression, and sensory issues.  The anxiety and sensory issues are very apparent, but the depression scares me.  If this goes on unchecked and unaided, this diagnosis could literally be the death of my little boy.  When Beau and I adopted Ollie, we knew there was family history that would possibly present problems for our little guy.  But we believed, deep down in our hearts, that with enough love, safety, nurturing, and consistency, Oliver would overcome these odds.  We love Oliver with every ounce of our souls, and yet, it's not enough.  I read in a friend's blog recently who is going through some medical and developmental issues with her own son that he was "broken".  I truly understand that.  But, then, aren't we all broken in some way?  As a mom, you begin to look inward to find fault for your children's dysfunctions.  Surely, I've done something wrong.  I am inadequate somewhere.  Oliver isn't getting what he needs from ME.  I am failing.  But, then I have to believe that God has a purpose for everything and if that is true, then there is purpose in Oliver being a Bennett and there is purpose in Oliver suffering from these diagnosis.  Maybe we as a family is learning more tolerance, more empathy, more patience, how to love when it is hard to do that sometimes?  These are all worthy skills to learn and wouldn't we all benefit from these? 

Anyway, our decision to begin some kind of drug therapy has begun.  Oliver has an appointment with a psychiatrist next month.  Beau and I held off on this decision for months because we felt that as parents, it was our duty to exhaust every other avenue before turning to drugs.  This was a very difficult decision to make and we struggled with this.  It is a scary thought to put a little person on such "big" medicines.  But watching Oliver struggle daily with anxiety, discomforts, fears, and anger is just no longer worth it.  We have tried therapy (to a small extent), we have altered his diet, we are working with OT, he has several accommodations at school, and yet, these are not enough.  Oh yes, he has good days.  But when he has a bad day, it's an AWFUL day.  But just knowing that Beau and I prayed about this issue for months and feeling confident that God has led us down this path, we take comfort in this decision. 

If you feel led, please pray for our little guy.  He is such a love with a tender heart.  I promise.  It's in there, just hidden by all his "stuff".  Thank you for all those that continue to pray, offer encouragement, and give us support.  It is appreciated.