Christmas, New Years, and Reflections

Well, we closed out 2012 with a bang.  This year has seen it's share of ups and downs, triumphs and failures,  family closeness and family bickering, blessings and fears.  But I am sure most people can say the same thing about their 2012.  It's always nice to start off a new year because everything feels new, like a clean slate.  The best of intentions are put in motion (like eating healthy, working out, being more financially cautious, saving money, being more patient, being more globally aware....pick one).  You have a whole new 12 months of memories to make and all the worries belong to the year past.  Things feel fresh and the year begins with a large feeling of hope.  And don't we all need a little hope?  Faith? 

We got past Thanksgiving and we went directly into the Christmas season.  Santa completed 90% of his shopping on Black Friday so the remaining gifts were shopped for and purchased with no stress.  The boys of course visited with Santa and that was amazingly easy this year.  We timed it so perfectly, obviously a God thing, because we literally had no wait to see Santa.  We walked right into the roped off area and there was not a single person in line.  We had no crying boys, no scared boys, and no impatient boys.  Success.  This was the first year that Zander refused to be in the picture.  At least in the past, he would tolerate being in the photo because he knew how important it was to me.  Plus, we were able to convince him that he "helped" the boys stay settled for the picture.  I guess he's too old now to fall for that excuse again. 

Beau sent me down to Florida for a couple of days, ALL BY MYSELF.  He is so good to me.  I had a couple of quiet and low key days with my family.  I even got a chance to spend some time with my best friend and participate in her annual cookie decorating event.  I really missed my boys back home, but I learned that I severely needed this down time.  I had no responsibilities, no schedules, and time to actually complete my thoughts.  I also had a chance to catch up with a good friend who is a foster and adoptive mom like myself.  I always enjoy time with her.  She is a licensed therapist and I always learn so much from her each time we talk.  I was sad that I didn't have time to see everyone during this quick trip, but I purposefully used this time to rejuvenate.  I appreciated being hosted and pampered. 
Will and Ollie had a Polar Express day at school and got to wear their pajamas.  Of course, Carter had to wear his pajamas too. 

William sang and recited his memorized verse in front of our church during the Christmas Eve service.  I was so proud of him and I think he was proud of himself.  However, he was not happy about being dressed in a vest.  He thought he looked silly and I had to convince him how handsome he was.  Apparently he was so embarrassed by his vest, he refused to take off his jacket when he was on stage in front of the congregation.  Oh well, I still thought he was cute!

We had a nice Christmas this year and each boy was pleased with their "stash".  Legos were a big item around here and every time I step on one of those things, I truly wonder why Santa brought them.  I find Legos all around the house and have even found them in the refrigerator.  Sebulba, for those Star Wars fans, was the most active Lego.  He was found in every corner of our house.  He took a ride on the ice cream sandwiches in the freezer and he was found sitting on top of the bathroom faucet.  I do not know the rationale behind Sebulba's journey.  For my gift, I received a much desired Big Shot which is an embossing/die cutting machine.  So now, I am actually making up reasons to make cards.  I love making crafts and scrap booking, so this little device will get plenty of use.  We had a White Christmas, although it was so minimal it was melted by lunch time.  But it was nice to wake up to a little bit of white.  That was our first ever White Christmas. 

 
Every year, Beau's company has a shut down where they are closed for business.  This year, however, between how the holidays fell and the shut down was scheduled, Beau had a consecutive 17 days off.  He and I took turns sleeping in each day and that was truly awesome.  We rarely get to sleep in.  We ate brunches most days around noon.  We giggled that it was a money saving approach because on the large brunch days, we only ate 2 meals.  Ha.  We spent many days in our pajamas and enjoying NO AGENDA.  In fact, the boys had to go back to school before Beau had to go  back to work.  So he and I (and Carter) had a nice and kind of quiet lunch at Olive Garden one afternoon.  Nothing is ever really quiet with Carter around, unless he's asleep!!!  Carter is our loud and busy one. 

We did finally receive some substantial snow and I was able to get some experience driving in it.  Basically, snow is fun to play in, sled in, and build snowmen in.  However, driving, slipping, falling down on the ice, not being able to see the lines on the road, keeping up with everyone's snow gear......not so fun.  It drives me crazy if all the gloves and mittens are not matched up.  If we have a lone mitten, no rest for me until it's found.  I'm just like that.

In Florida, we always brought in the New Year's with our friends.  We would host a small gathering of our closest friends and have a game night while ringing in the New Year.  This was always so much fun.  I learned that I love Cranium, but I stink at the charades part.  I learned who can hum songs and who can't.  I have learned what family to NOT challenge in trivia.  I have learned just how competitive some of us are.  But mostly, I learned that I love those families in Florida and I miss them dearly.  However, the past two years, it has just been our little family.  That has been nice too.  We save that night for snacky foods for dinner and movies.  This year, Carter made it to 9:30 until he fell asleep in my arms.  Will and Ollie made it to 10pm.  Then Zander, Beau and I stayed up until 2am.  Of course, no matter how late the little guys went to bed, they are still up early the next morning.  Sigh!!
On New Year's Day, we went sledding.  The boys, big and small, enjoyed that.  Who wouldn't!  We went to the soccer fields at the elementary school near our home and had the entire field to ourselves for a couple of hours.  It was so cold and the wind was blowing hard, but we had fun.  The snow was just deep enough for good sledding and not too deep to lose a boy in.  None of the kids had any trouble or fears about sledding.  In fact, if we turned our back for even a second, Carter would steal the sled and ride down.  He was funny to watch because he had a huge grin on his face the whole way down.  Even when he did a face plant into the snow, he still greeted us with a grin. 

Reviewing this past year, I am thankful that our family is together.  I have come full circle and I am enjoying the small things now.  I celebrate even the smallest of triumphs because sometimes that is all there is.  With the fiscal cliff looming over us, the economy being a wreck, jobs no longer being secure, and the constant chaos of running a household full of boys, there is much to feel anxious about.  So yes, the small things have to count for much now.  They probably should have all along. 

Philippians 4:6-7  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Triumphs of 2012:

**  Zander is working independently on his homework and showing some signs of maturity
**  William, although initially behind because of our move, is now ready for Kindergarten
**  Oliver gave up his passo (pacifier) just after his 4th birthday
**  Carter shows signs of compassion (sharing, hugging brothers when they have boo-boos)
**  Our family is finally working together again as a single unit and not as 6 bickering, selfish
       individuals (I was probably the biggest bickering selfish component)
**  I am no longer in the depths of despair
**  Oliver is showing some serious improvements with small changes made in our parenting
      approach
**  Beau and I have a financial plan and we are working toward goals
**  William is asking a lot of great questions about God and says he wants to know HIM
**  Now, all 4 boys pray during dinner and at bedtime (and they are so precious)
**  Oliver will wear a button down shirt sometimes and was willing to have his picture taken during
       school "retakes"
**  We survived all 4 boys playing soccer at the SAME time
**  We can all go play outside without the 3 little boys "scattering"
**  Will is getting used to the colder weather and no longer requires carrying a blanket with him
      everywhere he goes
**  We went on our first hike and we finished with the same number of people that began the hike
**  Everyone can now dress themselves (almost entirely) in their own winter gear
**  I have set aside a ton of things for our next garage sale
**  I only fell down the stairs one time
**  Everyone is out of a booster seat at the dinner table
**  We flew to and from Florida and we were never asked to exit the plane due to crying/screaming
      children
**  We made it through Sea World and didn't lose anyone and even managed to have a good time
**  Our Christmas tree remained in tact for the entire season....never once did I desire to lay it on the
      kitchen floor
**  I have an entire organizational system for our winter stuff and we currently have a match for
      every mitten
**  We have a job, a roof over our heads, food on the table, and God at the head....everything else is
      the small stuff
**  We survived 2012, despite our failures

Here's to 2013......can't wait to see where it leads us.

What Now?

I did it. I survived 8+ months of being a single parent with 3 small children while Beau and Zander were in NH surviving bachelorhood. Everything that I prayed for, cried about, became angry over, laid awake at night and thought about, and dreamt about has finally become a reality. I am sitting here in New Hampshire, the proud mother of FOUR Bennett boys, and a husband that I get to sleep next to every night. A state that has real seasons, snow, beautiful colors in the Fall, and mild Summers. There are rolling hills, huge shady trees, wildlife in my own back yard, no traffic, sounds of nature....everything that this girl has been anticipating and looking forward to for months. So if this is everything I could want, then why am I so unhappy. I mean, don't get me wrong. Of course there was the initial excitment of knowing that this is actually home and now that includes 6 family members. It was awesome walking into the house the other evening and having a huge weight lifted. No more social workers, no more being under the microscope, no more sleeping alone at night, no more wiping away tears from my boys' faces as they cried for their daddy, no more juggling everybody just so I could go to the grocery store, no more fear that someone is going to just show up at the door and see the "real situation". That situation would be kids running around, sometimes fully dressed and sometimes not. Dishes in the sink. Laundry everywhere...and usually not folded and ready to be put away. Food crumbs from breakfast still on the floor. Allowing the tv to babysit my kids just so I could have a few minutes to get re-energized.

I had very dear and loyal friends keep me going during the last 8 months. Food was brought to me, encouraging conversations over the phone keep me pepped, maid services was hired on my behalf, and friends often times babysat so I could attend court hearings and doctor's appointments. A group of ladies came over about once a month to my house at the kids' bedtimes and just hung out with me. Those times were so precious to me and were sometimes my only means of survival for the next week. My friends are the absolute best that anyone could ever ask for and I so did not deserve them, but I certainly did appreciate them. They were all great at pumping me up and telling me what a wonderful mom I was. It did make me feel good for a while. But now, now that everything is becoming real to me, I am beginning to see things much more clearly. I see that I allowed bad behaviors to develop because they went unpunished. I see that bad habits went unchecked. Our mealtimes were no longer the "sacred family time" that it once was. We ate every single dinner at the table as a family. This is when we prayed as a family while holding hands. And believe me, when we prayed, we were all truly thankful for that day. I got to tell Beau about the day's events and the funny "boy" stories. Zander shared about his day at school. The boys even chimed in. Often times, Beau would lead everyone in silly songs (after we were done eating of course). This is the one time of the day where we were all united and whole. But all that went away when Beau left. It didn't have to because as the mom, it was my responsibility to carry on those traditions for my kids. But I didn't. I was too self-absorbed in my own self pity.

Schedules and routines were a thing of the past. There no longer was any rhyme or reason to how I did things. Children thrive on routines and that is just one more thing that I failed my kids. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I even knew what things I needed to do to correct them. But I didn't. I had every excuse in the book, but the ugly truth was that I had stopped caring.

Now, here I am. As I see it, there really are only a couple of choices I have to make now. Beau and I have made commitments to each other about deleting the bad habits we started while apart and replacing with the good parenting skills that we used to have. It is going to be hard to re-train the boys, but I have faith in God and faith in my husband that we can do this. The alternative is simply not a choice for us. We love each other and our children too much to not make the appropriate changes.

So now, Beau and I have to learn how to be a married couple again. We have to buckle down with the finances again. We have to parent firmly but lovingly again (with consistency). We have to re-insert routines again. We have to learn how to communicate again. We have to live together again. All of these things are wonderful things. The "have to's" will soon become "get to's".

I learned things about myself during the last months. I totally rely on Beau for far more than I ever thought. I do believe that a man and a woman should parent a child together (if possible). I am much weaker than I thought. I am much more stubborn that I thought. I am fully capable of becoming an emotional wreck and irrational at a drop of a hat. Organization is absoltely vital for MY life. I pray that God does not separate Beau and I again. I do think that 4 is enough. I don't like paying bills. I hate killing bugs, pulling weeds, and taking out the trash. Every noise that I hear at night just means that the "boogie man" IS real and he IS out to get me. I watched over 140 episodes of Scrubs and never grew tired of the show. I like sleeping in the middle of the bed with ALL the pillows. But most importantly, I adore my husband and appreciate all that he does.

In the meantime, thank you so much Cami Franklin, Patty Fogarty, Lauren Palombo, Tina Jamieson, Betsi Torres. You guys loved me when I found it hard to love myself.

I do look forward the the next chapter in my life. I do embrace a new state, new family member, all new experiences, new everything. In fact, I am excited. Just writing this blog was completely therapeutic.

Until next time.......