A few weeks ago, our son Oliver, was diagnosed with Autism. I have known he was autistic from the time he was so small, but nobody would listen. Even when he was just a little guy and still our foster son, I took him to the pediatrician. I was told he was just a "spirited" child and that I simply "didn't know how to handle that type of child and I should re-consider fostering." In the foster care system, if you actually do your job and advocate for the child, you risk them being removed from your home and sent to a home where the parents are quiet. We loved Oliver and I didn't want to take that risk. So, I quietly loved him, nurtured him, and cared for him. I did all of this while constantly worrying about him. There was a part of me that hung on to what the doctor said. Maybe he is just spirited and he will grow out of it.
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| Adoption Day |
But he didn't. When he had just turned 5, I took him to a therapist and she conducted an evaluation that took many hours over the course of several weeks. It was at that time that he was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety. Duh. I knew he had to be ADHD because he spent most of the first few months of Kindergarten standing on his head! She also warned me that because of his young age, there may be other issues present but not able to be diagnosed then. Still, no autism. But, I felt a little bit better and somewhat vindicated. He would now get some help so he could focus in the classroom and be a little less nervous. Again, I convinced myself that once he could calm down, he would grow out of it.
But it didn't. Forward to now. He is 10 years old. Full of energy, curiosity, creativity, and spunk. However, he is also plagued with fear, fixations, awful short term memory, impatience, and intolerance. Now that Oliver has entered the fourth grade, it is as though he has hit a wall. Sure. He has always struggled socially. Reading comprehension that required him to make inferences were always difficult. But this year everything was harder. Re-directing his fixations, academics, social situations, family life, being more tolerant......EVERYTHING was harder. And although he was in therapy and medications were being adjusted, Oliver was still struggling in a big way. We were searching for anything to be a success for Oliver. A child can only feel defeated for so long before he gives up entirely. I feared that more than anything. As parents, Bruce and I were searching big and wide to help Oliver feel proud of himself. At the suggestion of the therapist, we had Oliver re-evaluated. It is suggested that children who suffer from the kinds of diagnosis that Oliver does, it is wise to have these evaluations conducted periodically. Especially when the behaviors seem to be more intense as time goes on. It was during this recent evaluation that the ADHD and anxiety was confirmed. But now, also autism was diagnosed. And while I was not surprised by this, I was still deeply saddened. Because, my fear was realized and now I had so many more questions. But oddly enough, I couldn't think of a single question. I was numb....and scared. I left her office with a 36 page report describing my Oliver and why he was diagnosed with autism, and still, my brain was mush.
I have had time to let this sink in and formulate some thoughts and plans. This diagnosis doesn't really change anything. Oliver is still Oliver. And we still love him. But now, perhaps is explains a little bit of his behavior. He's not a "brat". He's not a "bad" kid. He's not "spoiled". He's not "crazy". You can put whatever label on him that you want, but at the end of the day, he's Oliver. And yes, he happens to wake up each day with struggles that aren't his fault. But don't we all have struggles? But he has a family that loves him and will do absolutely anything to help him be the best Oliver he can be. But don't we as parents, do that anyway for all our children? I can now embrace this diagnosis and move on. One day soon, we will explain this lovingly to Oliver. Maybe it will answer some of his questions about why he feels different. I am thankful to live in a school district that is ready and has the resources available to help my Oliver.
One of the big struggles that Oliver faced was sharing a bedroom with his brother Carter. We have enough bedrooms for each of our sons to have their own room, but Carter didn't want to be alone. Carter still gets scared being alone. He likes the lights on while he sleeps. Oliver likes it very dark. Carter likes a fan on no matter if it is winter. Oliver likes it super warm. Carter wakes up extremely early. And although he tries hard, Carter just can not contain his noise and happiness in the mornings. He wakes up singing. Even his smiling seems to be loud in Oliver's opinion. It doesn't help that Oliver is very sensitive to noise, movement, and light. Carter doesn't even stand a chance. I can not even begin to tell you how many times I have heard Oliver scream out "Stop being happy" or "You are so annoying" or "Mom, make Carter stop being happy". Therefore, my husband in all his wisdom, came up with the awesome idea of building a partition in their bedroom that would separate them while still sharing a bedroom. It was his hope that both boys would be happy with this arrangement and allow Oliver to sleep more peacefully and sleep in on the weekends. I was envisioning a simple wall. But for anyone who knows Bruce, you know that he goes over and beyond with anything that he does. He loves his children immensely and he works tirelessly to provide for their needs and pour himself into them. This wall quickly turned into a bed hutch, a desk, and a set of shelves and cubbies for both Carter and Oliver. Their rooms are small now that the partition has been built. But each of them has their own space now and I am happy to report that this was a total success. Oliver is so much happier now and has his room warm, dark, and quiet. Carter is also thrilled with the arrangement. He has the closet light, a night light, and Star Wars lights hanging on his side, the fan blowing in his face, and his noise doesn't effect Oliver in the mornings. The partition is 6 feet tall, 8 feet long, and 3 feet wide. Bruce put a lot of love and labor in this project, and it was a complete success. Bruce's next project is to make a dedicated homework station just for Ollie. You see, there's not much Bruce wouldn't do for his kids. (He's good to me too. On this list of his projects is making me an upgraded craft area).
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| Oliver's Spider-Man room |
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| Carter's Batman Room |
Our autism looks different each day. But there are some things that are always present. While Oliver sees even the smallest detail, he misses the big picture. He can tell you about characters in a book but can't tell you why the main character is sad. He doesn't understand facial expressions or the feelings and emotions that cause those expressions. He can remember how to build a Lego project without the instructions, but can't remember sometimes how to put on a shirt. He gets stuck on a topic and nothing else will penetrate his brain until he has told you every fact he knows about a T-Rex. He can be moody. He can be intolerant of others. His logic makes no sense to me. Eye contact is rare. Any noise can set him off. Shirts with collars or tags will paralyze him. But I know that Oliver was perfectly and lovingly made by God and there is a plan for his life. I also know that Oliver is supposed to be in our family. We love him fiercely.
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