Carter

And then we come to Carter.  Our family was still fostering, still being super busy and obviously slightly crazy (others would probably say insanely crazy).  At this point, Zander was 10, Will was almost 2, and Oliver was 18 months old.  We had been fostering a little girl for a few months and she went home on a Friday.  Our family seriously needed a break from fostering (although Oliver wasn't quite ours yet, so technically we were still fostering him).  We needed some down time and some re-focusing time.  Zander was becoming extremely busy at this time between school, soccer, scouts, and social stuff.  Will and Ollie were busy getting into everything and doing what toddlers do best.  So, that weekend when the girl was reunited with family, we all took a deep breath and just enjoyed the quiet. 

I had even convinced myself that we could take a short hiatus from fostering and focus on finalizing Ollie's adoption and on our current family busyness.  I was even actually looking forward to the break. 

Then, Monday came.  I received a phone call from Oliver's case worker.  She said she had a 2 month old baby boy, Arrie, that needed a home today.  Normally, the placement coordinator makes these arrangements, but our caseworker called me directly.  She felt that our home would be best suited for this little man and she knew we just had a new vacancy.  Well, you know me, I just couldn't say no.  Duh!!!

So, I quickly began to get out all my infant clothing and baby stuff and prepare his room.  I was kind of looking forward to having another baby around.....again. 

Then the caseworker brought me this baby.  Two months old and he was HUGE!  I had to re-pack the infant clothes that I had prepared and bring out the next size larger!!  But cute, oh my, he was cute.  Will instantly adored him, Oliver tolerated him, and Zander was proud of Arrie.  By this time, Zander was a natural around babies and was so much help.  I of course instantly fell in love with him too.  But none of the family's affection for Carter could compare to that of Beau's.  I know that I have said this in previous blogs, but Carter and Beau had an impenetrable bond from the very beginning.  I couldn't believe how much an infant could attach to someone the way Carter did to Beau.  To this day, those two "understand" each other. 

From the very beginning, Carter's "story" was rocky.  He was born incredibly healthy, despite his birth mother using drugs and alcohol during her pregnancy.  From the very moment he was born, Arrie was separated from his mother.  He was initially placed with a family friend until he was brought to our home.  Each month we went to court, it seemed that his birth mother was making every effort to get him back.  This was hard to deal with because as a Christian, we were praying for reunification with his family, but as a selfish mom, I wanted to keep him.  When you become a foster parent, it is made very clear that the goal of the agency is to reunify children with their parents.  Beau and I truly believe that is how it should be.  After all, a family should be kept together (when it is appropriate and safe for the child).    But praying for Carter to leave our home while also loving him cause such a strain on our emotions. 

At one point during the birth mother's case plan, she had earned unsupervised visitations with Carter.  This was very hard for me.  This is when I met her every other week and left my baby (really her baby) with her for several hours without any supervision.  My stomach was in my throat each time I left him.   However, please know that despite her past and her obvious ignorance regarding the care of a baby, she very much loved Carter.  You could literally see the sweet affection she had for him, and him for her.  After much torment and lots of prayer, I surrendered to the idea that he would be reunited with his mom.  Beau and I even made preparations with her to give her all the baby stuff we were using so she would have what she needed to care for Carter.  I even began to feel my heart change and see this woman differently.  God gave me the gift of Mercy, and I see now why he did.  We are ALL in need of mercy, even those that we may have a hard time loving.  But I began to love this woman because I saw her as just another mom trying to do her best.  The unsupervised visits went on for a few months.  And then they stopped.  She fell back into her old habits.  Suddenly, Carter was back to supervised visits with his mom. 

Carter's first birthday--joined with his Birth mother and his daddy

When Carter turned 1, we were asked by the agency if we would consider legal guardianship.  This would allow us to have limited parental rights and his mom would still be in the picture.  But, we would be raising him.  Beau and I decided that even though this was a little scary and not what we truly wanted, we were willing to do this because we loved Carter so much.  Just after we gave the ok, we got another call from the agency and now his father (who had never been in the picture until now) wanted custody.  So once again, our hearts sunk.  We were making preparations for Carter once again to leave our home and be joined with his legal father.  Without getting into the long crazy story that surrounds his father, it was finally concluded that the father was not a viable option.  By the time the courts came to this decision, Carter was 19 months old. 

Sleeping at the beach

Now, the agency approached us with adoption.  We were so thrilled.  It was looking as though things now would be settled soon and Carter's birth parents would lose rights.  It was at this time that Beau took a new job in New Hampshire.  We were ok with this decision because we had been given the green light for adoption and it would only be a couple more months until finalization.  I couldn't join Beau yet because Carter was still a child of the state and had to remain in Florida.  We understood that, but were willing to do whatever in order to adopt Carter.  We just knew he was supposed to remain in our family. 

Two days after Beau left for New Hampshire, I had another court hearing.  I thought this hearing was to begin the process for terminating parental rights so that we could start the adoption.  Boy, I couldn't have been more wrong.  It was a petition for a family member to adopt Carter.  I felt my breath leave my body and I was completely awe struck.  Our family had made this huge sacrifice to keep Carter and we thought we would be moving to NH soon as a family of 6.  This was November 2010.  It was explained now that the family member had to go through the approval process, which unfortunately, takes several months.  We were now looking at an extension of at least 4 to 6 months.  Beau had rented a home in New Hampshire that would accommodate our whole family....all 6 of us.  But we also had our normal expenses in Florida.  Each time I went to court, the story changed.  The saga either seemed as though it would never end or we would have made this sacrifice and still lose Carter.  We knew that there would always be a possibility we would lose Carter, but we just couldn't stand leaving him or having him moved to another home before he was reunified with a family member.  Beau and I prayed, cried, and anguished over this situation.  But in the end, we knew we had to be there for Carter until conclusion.....whatever that may be. 
It was a total of 9 months that Beau and I were separated.  Our whole family suffered much during that time.  We saw Beau about every 6 to 8 weeks and I was so thankful for those reunions.  They were vital for our children.  There are so many details that surround this adoption and getting into all of them would be too tedious.  But at the end of the 9 months, it was finally decided that the parental rights would be severed and Beau and I could adopt our little Carter.  Two nights prior to the adoption, Carter's birth mother called me to tell me that although she loved her little man so much, she knew that Carter was better off with our family.  She said she knew we loved him as much as she did.  I sobbed with her and my heart grew just a little bigger for her.  I was sad, but a blanket of peace covered me as I knew she was giving me her blessing.  What a sweet story to tell Carter one day. 

Now, Carter is our final adoption.  He, from the beginning, was a sweet blessing.  This whole experience allowed our family to grow spiritually.  It also gave Beau and I a new perspective about our marriage.  Our marriage has always been strong, but during those nine months of separation, we grew a deeper appreciation for each other. 

I am thankful for Carter, I am sad for his birth mother, and I am disgusted by the legal system.  Despite the technicalities, red tape, laws that seemed to protect the wrong people, there were a few workers regarding our case that worked far beyond their job to finalize this adoption.  If it were not for those select few people, Beau and I would never have been able to get through this whole adoption.  We will forever be grateful for those ladies that went to bat for our case and worked to preserve Carter's rights. 

Carter is now my boisterous 3 year old boy who is bursting energy, smiles, and enthusiasm.  He loves to sing, listen to music, and dances with great rhythm.  He can be loud and bold, and he can be soft and gentle.  He is our ball of energy, our wrecking ball, and our funny comic.  Beau and I just shake our heads sometimes because we are so amused by Carter.  At the same time, he can be incredibly stubborn, persistent, and hard to re-direct.  His personality is just as big as his size. 

It is very clear that Carter was meant to be a part of our family and like his brothers, I look forward to seeing God's plan for him revealed.