Feeling Helpless

Knowing your child needs help and not knowing what to do can be one of the most helpless feelings a parent can have.  Children need their parents for so many things.   We are friends, disciplinarians, teachers, doctors, cheerleaders, chauffeurs, and cooks.  Mommies know how to kiss a boo-boo and make it all better.  Moms seize every teachable moment possible.  We know when their cries need attention and when they just need to be delicately ignored as he "works it out."  We comfort, encourage, listen, give advice, and nurture.  Moms can cook dinner, have laundry running, practice letters with one child, all while listening to another child talk about his day.  Moms are the fixer of problems, the finder of lost toys, and the lover of their childrens' hearts. 
But sometimes, things happen and a mom can't just strategically place a band aid and cover up the wound.  Sometimes the wound is deeply penetrated within ones heart, brain, and soul.  This is how I would describe my Oliver.  We had a rough day today, one that I would like to forget.  One where I could call it a day and know that tomorrow will be perfect.  But it won't. 

Our family has been struggling for a long time with decisions regarding Ollie.  We have suspected for months, well, really, now years, that he suffers from some form of autism.  When he was our foster son, I mentioned this to the caseworkers and to his pediatrician.  The basic consensus was that I was "just a foster mom" and essentially my opinion wasn't important nor was it even considered.  I was either looking for problems that didn't exist or I was not equipped to handle a child with "personality".  Either way, I was dismissed.  But a mother knows.  Foster mom or adoptive mom, or birth mom, it doesn't matter. A MOM knows. 

Oliver has good days and he has rough days.  On the good days, most people wouldn't even notice any idiosyncrasies.  On good days, I even convince myself that everything is ok.  I even begin to dismiss the idea of autism all together.  But then, we have a day like today.  Today was Oliver's Pre-Kindergarten orientation and meet the teacher day.  He was so extremely excited.  I made sure not to mention it until today because he would have pestered me relentlessly if he had to wait with that information.  I had prayed so fervently about this day for Oliver.  I knew he would be excited, but I also knew all the changes would be difficult.  A new school, new teachers, new classmates, and now, he and Will are sharing the class together.   Bruce and I always cross our fingers and brace ourselves whenever we introduce Oliver to a new situation because we don't know how he will respond.  Sometimes a new event is fun and exciting for Oliver and he responds normally (with a high energy and enthusiasm).  Other times, new situations cause immense sensory overload for Oliver.  This overload creates an anxiety within Oliver that comes out in many different forms.  Today's overload caused Oliver to be frustrated, disobedient, and angry. 

Whenever I get nervous, my chest and neck turn bright red and I feel hot all over.  Today, as other children weren't sure how to respond to Oliver and as other parents tried to hide their concern behind their half smiles, I turned red.  Usually, between Bruce and myself, we can talk Oliver through situations.  Today, that was not the case.  Oliver simply could not contain himself. 

However, God is good and as we prayed several months ago about where to place Ollie and Will, it was quite apparent that HE had a plan for my little guys.  As it turns out, the teacher used to be a special ed teacher and is licensed as a child psychologist.  I had a long talk one on one with Oliver's teacher after everyone left and I could tell that she will be the kind of teacher to come along side Oliver and help him get to the next step.  I am so thankful for people like this in his and our lives.  She is also referring Oliver to their skilled team that will begin the process of implementing services such as speech, regular therapy, behavior skills, etc.  Also, after months of waiting, we finally have an appointment with our own private child therapist next month.  I am anxious to finally start walking down that road that leads to new parenting skills, new behavior skills, and a healthy, happy young boy.  In the mean time, I will sit by loving Oliver while sometimes feeling helpless.  I pray that the helplessness will soon be replaced by a plan, action, and results.  But mostly, I must rest in my own peace as I know God has a plan for this little boy. 

The Tooth Fairy

My William has always been a mover and a climber.  He began walking when he was 10 months old and when he was 10 months and 1 day (or so it seemed) he began climbing on everything. He was Houdini and he frightened me so.  Despite his innate ability to climb anything, William, however, was also very clumsy.  I didn't realize it so much when he was learning to walk because I naturally justified his falling to "normal progression."  In addition to being an early walker, Will's teeth also came in very early.  His top two teeth were so precious, but they stuck out very far. 
They stuck out so far, that every time Will fell he bumped his front two teeth.  When William was 1, he was running down our tiled hallway, and he tripped (on his own feet) and fell face down to the floor.  And staying with tradition, he bumped his teeth extremely hard causing much blood, chipped teeth, and making them loose.  This fall led to great pain for William.  So, we made our first visit to the dentist.  X-Rays were taken and his roots and nerves were slightly damaged, but we would have to wait a few weeks to see if the teeth would harden in place once again or if the nerve damage would become severe and the dentist would need to remove the teeth.  Well, we made it past the few weeks and the teeth were doing better and were only slightly loose. 

But Will continued to have a tendency to fall or bump his mouth on the table, the counter, his brothers' heads, or anything at his mouth's level.  Each time the bump caused blood (which is far more often that I would like to admit) we went to see the dentist.  I am so glad that we had a great dentist and that Will had not developed a fear because it felt like we almost lived at his office.  In fact, the front desk staff began to know my voice on the phone and would always arrange Dr. Stratton's schedule for us.  Our dentist would tease me saying that whenever Will falls, his teeth stick out further than his nose and that's why they get hurt.  Although he was exaggerating, it was still kind of true.  The inevitable finally occurred.....Will developed an abscess tooth and the dentist had to remove one of the teeth.  I was heart broken for many reasons.  Of course, the first being worried about Will's pain and Will developing a lifelong fear of the dentist.  My second, and I am ashamed to admit it, concern was the vanity issue.  Would he still be my cute Will with a tooth missing?  He wasn't even 2 yet, so I also feared that other people would assume that he had rotten teeth from my lack of care.  I know, totally silly stuff. 

But as you can see, he was still totally adorable cute with one tooth missing.  The dentist removed the tooth and Will was an excellent patient.  I was so proud of my little man.  After the extraction, Dr. Stratton sat me down and we went over the care procedures for the next couple of days.  At the end of the conversation, he said to me, "Now Mrs. Bennett, please try to keep Will from climbing."  It seemed that the dentist assumed that Will was being injured frequently because of my lack of proper attention.  Just after Dr. Stratton said that, Will walked into the office, being escorted by the hygienist, and Will tripped on his own foot and fell face forward into the desk.  Luckily, he still had so much gauze in his mouth and plenty of pain medication that he didn't feel a thing.  I think he even giggled a little.  I had been telling the dentist that Will was very clumsy, but now Dr. Stratton had witnessed it first hand.  His only reply was, "Never mind Mrs. Bennett." We both got a good chuckle and Will and I were on our way.   Until the next time.  The next time came only a few weeks later when Will bumped his tooth hard on Oliver's head.  Needless to say, the 2nd tooth came out.  The dentist and I decided that it was unnecessary to allow Will to continue to go through this and go ahead and pull out the tooth.  It was actually quite a relief because I no longer worried as much about his falls.  By the time William was 2 years old, he had been to the dentist more times that I can remember, had tons of x-rays, 2 teeth removed, and endless conversations with the dentist (Will loved Dr. Stratton).  Dr. Stratton reminds me of Dick Van Dyke by his appearance, smile, mannerisms, kindness, comedy, and general likability. 




Just love that toothless grin.

Will turned 5 in July so now having two teeth missing isn't all that unusual. Our family went to dinner the other evening and after William bit into his dinner, he made an awful face as if he were disgusted by what he was eating. He said that the had taken a bite that was hard and white and he spit it out to the ground. As I looked as his mouth while he was talking, I found the spot in his mouth where that "hard, white thing" should have been. Bruce immediately got on the ground underneath the table and found that itty bitty little tooth and I safely tucked it inside a napkin. Alas, he finally lost a baby tooth legitimately. There was no drama, no tears, no pain, no anything. He was just matter of fact about the whole thing. He was however, very excited that the tooth fairy would be visiting that evening. He was too young previously when his other teeth were extracted so this was the first time he got to experience the tooth fairy. Such fun times. A little sniffle on my part as I know this is just another milestone that means William is growing up.






Letting the Small Stuff Get in the Way

As a mother of 4 very busy, active, individual boys, it is so easy to get bogged down by the small stuff.  Army men in the Cheerios, which boy clogged the toilet THIS time, potty training my last child who is either extremely willful or I am extremely lazy, trying to figure out what that sticky substance is on the floor, what's for dinner tonight while secretly hoping that the electricity goes out  so that we can out to dinner, stepping on little dinosaurs that didn't get put away, re-assembling Lego Star Wars people until my fingers hurt, wondering when I will get some time to color all those grays that keep popping up; all of this while in my head wishing I could just wrinkle my nose like Samantha Stevens and make everything perfect in an instant.  Oh yeah, and also trying to make myself presentable by the end of the day so that Beau can come home to a wife that has it "all together."  I don't know why I keep trying to do this because Beau knows me better than I know myself and he knows what a chaotic mess is going on in my head....and still loves me anyway. 

An excerpt from a blog was sent to me this morning.  I have this sweet friend that reads and follows this blog and whenever she comes across something that she thinks would speak to me, she forwards it to me.  Goodness knows, she understands that I don't actually find much time to sit down and read the entire blog for myself but thankfully she sends me the stuff that I would love.  And so far, she has never been wrong.  The author of this blog is a real woman with 4 children, one who is adopted, and has been a missionary in Haiti.  But most importantly, she loves Christ, she loves her family, and she is blatantly honest.  I like that in people.  Transparency.  I strive to be that way too.  She if funny, endearing, cute, humble, and has a way with words.  I just know we would be best of buddies, if she even knew I existed.  LOL. 

Anyway, her recent blog was as follows: 

"The way I see it, if you have four kids, you don't really have to do anything else, ever. Three kids is a handful, but one that many people manage to hold. If you're a mother of four, you definitely don't have to have a career or volunteer for the school fund-raiser or even bring an appetizer to the dinner party. In fact, people give you a lot of credit for wearing both earrings and knowing how to spell chaos and antidepressant. Four kids gives you a pass for every forgotten birthday, overlooked appointment, and missing form. Plus, you can be late for everything the rest of your life and never return phone calls. Who's gonna blame you? It's like having nonthreatening cancer, forever." -- Kelly Corrigan in The Middle Place.
According to the author, Kelly Corrigan, I now have a built-in excuse for all my short comings.  Wow, I am so relieved.  Suddenly, my house doesn't look quite a messy as it did in my mind and perhaps I am tougher on myself than I should be.  As much as I loved that quote and even giggled a bit, I found the next quote thought provoking and convicting. 

 Corrigan says this about her dad...

"I think people like him because his default setting is open delight. He's prepared to be wowed - by your humor, your smarts, your white teeth, even your handshake - guaranteed, something you do is going to thrill him...People walk away from him feeling like they're on their game, even if they suspect that he put them there. He does that for me too. He makes me feel smart, funny, and beautiful, which has become the job of the few men who have loved me since. He told me once that I was a great talker. And so I was. I was a conversationalist, along with "creative," a notion he put in my head when I was in grade school and used to make huge, intricate collages from his old magazines. He defined me first, as parents do. Those early characterizations can become the shimmering self-image we embrace or the limited, stifling perception we rail against for a lifetime. In my case, he sees me as I would like to be seen. In fact, I'm not even sure what's true about me, since I have always chosen to believe his version."
Wow.  Wow.  Who doesn't want to be that kind of parent for their kids?  I started really thinking about this.  The more and more I try to manage my childrens' behaviors, the more I am stifling their identities.  Perhaps embracing and celebrating their quirky personalities would serve them better.  It is easy to worry about all the undesirable behaviors and believe me, some days it feels like all I witness are the undesirable behaviors.  Teenage hormones (enough said), 5 year old's need for investigating, 4 year old's need to figure EVERYTHING out and oh yeah, possibly has some form of autism, 3 year olds refusal to keep his new Toy Story underwear dry and has a quick temper.  But all the while, I am missing the things that make my children special. 

So, as I become drained daily by the little things, I hope that I can remember this quote from Kelly Corrigan.  I want to be the kind of parent that inspires my kids and shows them the love of God.