Feeling Helpless

Knowing your child needs help and not knowing what to do can be one of the most helpless feelings a parent can have.  Children need their parents for so many things.   We are friends, disciplinarians, teachers, doctors, cheerleaders, chauffeurs, and cooks.  Mommies know how to kiss a boo-boo and make it all better.  Moms seize every teachable moment possible.  We know when their cries need attention and when they just need to be delicately ignored as he "works it out."  We comfort, encourage, listen, give advice, and nurture.  Moms can cook dinner, have laundry running, practice letters with one child, all while listening to another child talk about his day.  Moms are the fixer of problems, the finder of lost toys, and the lover of their childrens' hearts. 
But sometimes, things happen and a mom can't just strategically place a band aid and cover up the wound.  Sometimes the wound is deeply penetrated within ones heart, brain, and soul.  This is how I would describe my Oliver.  We had a rough day today, one that I would like to forget.  One where I could call it a day and know that tomorrow will be perfect.  But it won't. 

Our family has been struggling for a long time with decisions regarding Ollie.  We have suspected for months, well, really, now years, that he suffers from some form of autism.  When he was our foster son, I mentioned this to the caseworkers and to his pediatrician.  The basic consensus was that I was "just a foster mom" and essentially my opinion wasn't important nor was it even considered.  I was either looking for problems that didn't exist or I was not equipped to handle a child with "personality".  Either way, I was dismissed.  But a mother knows.  Foster mom or adoptive mom, or birth mom, it doesn't matter. A MOM knows. 

Oliver has good days and he has rough days.  On the good days, most people wouldn't even notice any idiosyncrasies.  On good days, I even convince myself that everything is ok.  I even begin to dismiss the idea of autism all together.  But then, we have a day like today.  Today was Oliver's Pre-Kindergarten orientation and meet the teacher day.  He was so extremely excited.  I made sure not to mention it until today because he would have pestered me relentlessly if he had to wait with that information.  I had prayed so fervently about this day for Oliver.  I knew he would be excited, but I also knew all the changes would be difficult.  A new school, new teachers, new classmates, and now, he and Will are sharing the class together.   Bruce and I always cross our fingers and brace ourselves whenever we introduce Oliver to a new situation because we don't know how he will respond.  Sometimes a new event is fun and exciting for Oliver and he responds normally (with a high energy and enthusiasm).  Other times, new situations cause immense sensory overload for Oliver.  This overload creates an anxiety within Oliver that comes out in many different forms.  Today's overload caused Oliver to be frustrated, disobedient, and angry. 

Whenever I get nervous, my chest and neck turn bright red and I feel hot all over.  Today, as other children weren't sure how to respond to Oliver and as other parents tried to hide their concern behind their half smiles, I turned red.  Usually, between Bruce and myself, we can talk Oliver through situations.  Today, that was not the case.  Oliver simply could not contain himself. 

However, God is good and as we prayed several months ago about where to place Ollie and Will, it was quite apparent that HE had a plan for my little guys.  As it turns out, the teacher used to be a special ed teacher and is licensed as a child psychologist.  I had a long talk one on one with Oliver's teacher after everyone left and I could tell that she will be the kind of teacher to come along side Oliver and help him get to the next step.  I am so thankful for people like this in his and our lives.  She is also referring Oliver to their skilled team that will begin the process of implementing services such as speech, regular therapy, behavior skills, etc.  Also, after months of waiting, we finally have an appointment with our own private child therapist next month.  I am anxious to finally start walking down that road that leads to new parenting skills, new behavior skills, and a healthy, happy young boy.  In the mean time, I will sit by loving Oliver while sometimes feeling helpless.  I pray that the helplessness will soon be replaced by a plan, action, and results.  But mostly, I must rest in my own peace as I know God has a plan for this little boy.