Learning to Cope

Ok, since I have found blogging therapeutic, you may be seeing many more posts from me. Sorry.

A lot of things have been running through my head lately and because of that, I have been able to be distracted from the one major thing that is greatly worrying me. My sweet, big round eyed, soft wavy haired little Oliver. He comes with a smile that is so contagious and his eyes light up a room when he's happy. Beau refers to Ollie as our future "gentle giant". Ollie is full of tenderness and compassion.....but it is often masked behind his quick, hot temper.

Oliver was brought to us on August 7, 2008. He was just a little over 6 months and was adorable cute. He was our first foster son. I was so scared and so excited. I knew without a doubt that God had called Beau and I to this place of fostering. But I was still nervous about the "unknown". After all, this child was not my own. He was in the system because obviously something was wrong with his biological family, otherwise, he would not have been seperated from them. He already had a troubled history, even at such a young age. His previous home was that of a foster parent and even there he was not properly being cared for. Oliver was never abused, but he was born to a mother with severe mental problems. Oliver's previous foster mother withheld bottles from him because he was "too fat". So, she began feeding him only baby jarred food with an occasional bottle. A baby needs the nutrients from their formula to develop properly. Oliver was left all day long to lay in a bouncy seat. He wasn't sitting up (not even close to having the back strength). He was not even close to crawling. But, Beau and I fell in love with him instantly. I, however, especially found a bond with Oliver. He became glued to me instantly.

Over the next few weeks, I made it my mission to work a lot with Oliver. Will was great during this time. Only being 13 months old himself, Will had an instant buddy. He sat along side me while I worked with Oliver building up his strength and coordination. I helped Oliver do sit ups, stretches, flexing exercises, and tummy time. I saw immediate improvements and knew that my labor was really making a difference. I was thrilled and just felt more confirmed everyday that he was supposed to be in our home.

Don't get me wrong. Managing a busy 9 year old, an inquisitive and active 13 month old, and now a "high maintenance" 6+ month old was definitely very difficult and demanding. I immediately began going far fewer places, had less time on the phone with friends, and was tired all the time. However, this was all ok because I knew I was ministering to this little boy. At this time, Beau and I didn't know how long this little guy would live with us because he had family members trying to adopt him. We were ok with that. We understood. We were trained for that. But, we would love him for as long as he was in our home. And we were totally content with that.

However, as months passed, we became very attached to Oliver. The bond between Oliver and William was that of a genuine brotherly connection. They loved each other. For the most part, Oliver was easy going. Really, the only time he pitched an uncontrollable fit was when his bottle was empty. I attributed that bahavior to his previous experiences of not having a bottle when he needed them. So, that behavior got written off. As Oliver got older, he was easy. Will was always under my feet wanting attention and that required a lot of my time. Oliver, on the other hand, was completely content to go off into the play room and play alone. Especially when Ollie learned to walk, he would wander around all the time by himself. But because he was "being good, not breaking anything, and playing contently and quietly", I allowed it. I often thought, wow, what a great kid. During this time, we had another foster daughter in the house and she had serious behaviors that required ALOT of my focus. So, I was happy that Ollie was "easy".

Oliver would frequently watch events around him from afar. He never truly engaged. He studied them. He mimicked them. But, he was ok with being removed from them. Because Oliver was so quiet and spoke so few words, I often wondered what was going on in his mind. Will was the kid that had an amazing vocabulary and I NEVER had to guess what HE was thinking. I thought Oliver just wasn't learning. I was worried but as sweet friends kept reminding me, Oliver was 6 months younger than Will. The gap between Will and Ollie seemed normal and justifiable. In the back of my mind, I still had concerns. But, I blew them off. Maybe fear. Maybe sadness.

Just after Oliver turned 2 and just before we adopted him, I had him evaluated by a clinician. I just wanted someone else to tell me he was ok. I NEEDED someone else to tell me he was ok. And I got that. Little did I understand at that time, he was simply too young to be truly diagnosed. But, the "seal of good mental health" satisfied me for a time.

Other behaviors began to develop with Ollie. His temper became sometimes uncontrollable. Often at times that didn't even make sense to me. People kept telling me it was that "hispanic hot-tempered blood". Again, I was ok with that. Also, Ollie became very obsessed with details. Like directions. He would have complete meltdowns if I went a different way home. I wrote this off as Ollie just being very direction oriented. Finally, Ollie started spitting out all the things I had been teaching him over the last months. All at ONCE. He started counting and saying lots of words. He started saying the alphabet. He started recognizing random numbers and letters. I saw this as an improvement and became very delighted with Ollie's progress. Oliver also began giving affection which was a very huge step in the right direction. Previously, his affection was forced and uncomfortable. It wasn't natural for him.

Beau and I often times used special expressions to describe Oliver to other people when behaviors seemed abnormal. We said things like, "He marches to the beat of his own drum", or "He's just very passionate", or "That's just Ollie". We would take Oliver to the playground. Instantly, Will had lots of friends and was the "popular kid". Ollie would always play and talk. But he played NEAR kids and he talked AT kids. But never played WITH kids and never talked TO kids. Beau and I just thought he was shy.

Then Beau left for New Hampshire. His absense very apparently affected Will and Carter. But Ollie seemed to be ok. Afterall, he was mostly attached to me so I thought everything was going to be easiest for Oliver during our temporary separation. So, once again, my focus was mostly on consoling Will and Carter. But as the weeks turned into months, I began to see additional "bad behaviors" from Ollie. I punished him frequently with time out. I am not a big supporter of spanking and we only use that method of punishment for the more serious offenses. I was finding myself spanking Ollie more and more frequently, but I was not seeing an improvement in his behavior. If anything, things were worse. Between daddy and brother being gone, my lack of structure, and my fatigue, Ollie just could no longer hold it together. He more he acted out, the more frustrated and ill-equipped I felt to handle it. Everytime his temper escalated, mine did too. Now, I am the grown up and should have handled it better. But I didn't. The harder I tried to push Oliver into "normal" behaviors, the more he shut down. It was like trying to force a round peg into a square hold....just not gonna happen.

Well, here we are. Oliver is 3 1/2 and is still my sweet little boy. But now, I am at a place where I can openly admit that I think Ollie needs some help. I am not a clinician. I am not a therapist. I have not had intense child pyschology classes. But, I am a mother. Moms just know. I know that Oliver has some kind of connection that is lost or broken. The next big step is to accept that, embrace that, and learn to cope. I know that Ollie is special. Not in the "mentally challenged" way but in the "gift from God" way. I know that Oliver is supposed to be in our family and I am truly thankful for him. Nothing will ever change my feelings and love for him. He is my son. He is a Bennett. And I am proud.

What Now?

I did it. I survived 8+ months of being a single parent with 3 small children while Beau and Zander were in NH surviving bachelorhood. Everything that I prayed for, cried about, became angry over, laid awake at night and thought about, and dreamt about has finally become a reality. I am sitting here in New Hampshire, the proud mother of FOUR Bennett boys, and a husband that I get to sleep next to every night. A state that has real seasons, snow, beautiful colors in the Fall, and mild Summers. There are rolling hills, huge shady trees, wildlife in my own back yard, no traffic, sounds of nature....everything that this girl has been anticipating and looking forward to for months. So if this is everything I could want, then why am I so unhappy. I mean, don't get me wrong. Of course there was the initial excitment of knowing that this is actually home and now that includes 6 family members. It was awesome walking into the house the other evening and having a huge weight lifted. No more social workers, no more being under the microscope, no more sleeping alone at night, no more wiping away tears from my boys' faces as they cried for their daddy, no more juggling everybody just so I could go to the grocery store, no more fear that someone is going to just show up at the door and see the "real situation". That situation would be kids running around, sometimes fully dressed and sometimes not. Dishes in the sink. Laundry everywhere...and usually not folded and ready to be put away. Food crumbs from breakfast still on the floor. Allowing the tv to babysit my kids just so I could have a few minutes to get re-energized.

I had very dear and loyal friends keep me going during the last 8 months. Food was brought to me, encouraging conversations over the phone keep me pepped, maid services was hired on my behalf, and friends often times babysat so I could attend court hearings and doctor's appointments. A group of ladies came over about once a month to my house at the kids' bedtimes and just hung out with me. Those times were so precious to me and were sometimes my only means of survival for the next week. My friends are the absolute best that anyone could ever ask for and I so did not deserve them, but I certainly did appreciate them. They were all great at pumping me up and telling me what a wonderful mom I was. It did make me feel good for a while. But now, now that everything is becoming real to me, I am beginning to see things much more clearly. I see that I allowed bad behaviors to develop because they went unpunished. I see that bad habits went unchecked. Our mealtimes were no longer the "sacred family time" that it once was. We ate every single dinner at the table as a family. This is when we prayed as a family while holding hands. And believe me, when we prayed, we were all truly thankful for that day. I got to tell Beau about the day's events and the funny "boy" stories. Zander shared about his day at school. The boys even chimed in. Often times, Beau would lead everyone in silly songs (after we were done eating of course). This is the one time of the day where we were all united and whole. But all that went away when Beau left. It didn't have to because as the mom, it was my responsibility to carry on those traditions for my kids. But I didn't. I was too self-absorbed in my own self pity.

Schedules and routines were a thing of the past. There no longer was any rhyme or reason to how I did things. Children thrive on routines and that is just one more thing that I failed my kids. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I even knew what things I needed to do to correct them. But I didn't. I had every excuse in the book, but the ugly truth was that I had stopped caring.

Now, here I am. As I see it, there really are only a couple of choices I have to make now. Beau and I have made commitments to each other about deleting the bad habits we started while apart and replacing with the good parenting skills that we used to have. It is going to be hard to re-train the boys, but I have faith in God and faith in my husband that we can do this. The alternative is simply not a choice for us. We love each other and our children too much to not make the appropriate changes.

So now, Beau and I have to learn how to be a married couple again. We have to buckle down with the finances again. We have to parent firmly but lovingly again (with consistency). We have to re-insert routines again. We have to learn how to communicate again. We have to live together again. All of these things are wonderful things. The "have to's" will soon become "get to's".

I learned things about myself during the last months. I totally rely on Beau for far more than I ever thought. I do believe that a man and a woman should parent a child together (if possible). I am much weaker than I thought. I am much more stubborn that I thought. I am fully capable of becoming an emotional wreck and irrational at a drop of a hat. Organization is absoltely vital for MY life. I pray that God does not separate Beau and I again. I do think that 4 is enough. I don't like paying bills. I hate killing bugs, pulling weeds, and taking out the trash. Every noise that I hear at night just means that the "boogie man" IS real and he IS out to get me. I watched over 140 episodes of Scrubs and never grew tired of the show. I like sleeping in the middle of the bed with ALL the pillows. But most importantly, I adore my husband and appreciate all that he does.

In the meantime, thank you so much Cami Franklin, Patty Fogarty, Lauren Palombo, Tina Jamieson, Betsi Torres. You guys loved me when I found it hard to love myself.

I do look forward the the next chapter in my life. I do embrace a new state, new family member, all new experiences, new everything. In fact, I am excited. Just writing this blog was completely therapeutic.

Until next time.......

Am I raising children, or bouncy balls?

I once read in a blog one time about a mother raising her 3 boys. In a particular entry, the stated that she sometimes felt like she didn't have little boys, but rather, bouncy balls. I laughed at first, but soon realized that is exactly how I feel most of the time being around my 4 boys. You know, just picture it. What happens if you were to drop 4 bouncy balls to the floor? They bounce in every direction, with no control whatsoever. The balls run into and potentially break anything in it's path. Exactly the perfect description for my 4 active, busy boys.

I am an only child and I once believed that was a sad and lonely way to be raised. Then I married Beau and it was so exciting because he had 5 younger brothers. I immediately started envisioning how my holidays and family get togethers would be like from then on. It would be a joyous time for family to sit around and reminisce, play games, and make new memories. What I failed to understand that eventhough all 6 Bennett brothers had the same parents, each boy was significantly different. And boys play differently than girls. Remember the bouncy balls? They fight, they pick at each other, they wrestle, they compete, they brag, and they joke around...ruthlessly. It didn't take me long to see that these family gatherings were going to fall short of my plans, and I would leave each time with a migraine from the noise and sensory overload.

I used to tease my sweet, beloved mother in law, Becki that I would NEVER have a house full of boys. Beau and I had always thought we would be happy with 2, maybe 3 children. I wanted girls and Beau swore he could only conceive boys. Either way, I figured I would have at least one girl. I used to almost pity Becki because of the constant rucous at the Bennett home. I used to not understand how the house could become so messy and beat up. I mean, seriously, all it took was a little organization and daily clean up to keep the house in order. I would never let things get out of control if I was the mother of a bunch of boys. This coming for a girl who had NO children yet. It's always easy to fix other people's problems, isn't it?

Well, Beau and I have been married for 13+ years and we are now the lucky parents of 4, yes, 4 boys. I know Becki is laughing from beyond the grave. And I deserve it too. Boys are noisy. Boys play rough. Boys are incredibly inquisitive. Boys are very independent. Boys like to "figure" things out. Boys like to "fix" things. Boys like to take things apart so that they can "figure them out and fix them". Needless to say, there is NEVER a dull moment in our home. There are some days that I am ready to pull my hair out. Days where I just want to hide so that I can have some quiet time to finish my thoughts. There are even days when I would like to drive my kids 20 miles away, drop them off, and speed home hoping they would never find their way back. Although, I know Oliver would definitely find him way home. His sense of direction is amazing.

But then moments like last night occur making being a mommy of 4 boys awesome. Will and Ollie had a hard time going to sleep and so they were up giggling and talking. For the first time ever, I simply ignored them. I was curious to see what they would do if left unattended. After about 30 minutes of "controlled" goofing around, they fell asleep together in the same bed holding hands.

I may have been an only child where my home was quiet, controlled, organized, clean, and non-chaotic. Although those are all great things, I will never have the memories of falling asleep with my sibling holding hands, or staying up late giggling, or learning how to share at such a young age, or having a best friend and worst enemy all wrapped up into one person, or having someone else to blame for the broken lamp in the house.

So, I guess, if I am going to raise 4 bouncy balls, I am thankful for the ones I have.

A Brand New Commitment

Well, obviously I haven't written in over a year. But, with the inspiration from a dear friend, Cami, I have decided to rededicate my attention to keeping up a blog. After all, there is just so much that happens in our home on a daily basis, I could never remember it all. I am sitting here at the desk typing this as Oliver is "flying" his Buzz Lightyear action figure around my head and very excitedly yelling "To Infinity and Beyond". So, it is very difficult to concentrate, but, I will get through this post. Smile, breathe, and keep typing.....

Our family has seen so many changes in recent months and although I know that these changes mean awesome things for our family, I am still trying to find the ability to appreciate them. It is truly a struggle daily to remember good in all of this. You see, several months ago, Beau got a call from a potential employer in Nevada. It was Zander's 2nd day of 6th grade at Orange Park Elementary when he received the call. And eventhough I desired a change for both Beau and our family, partly because I knew how unhappy he was at work, and partly because I desired a change for reasons I didn't understand, I was scared. I couldn't even imagine living in Nevada. But, being the supportive wife, I told Beau I trusted him. So, he and I took a trip to Nevada for 7 days. We told ourselves that regardless of the outcome, we were just so excited to have a few days alone. Really, a vacation in a sense.

Before we left for Nevada, I encouraged Beau (without being nagging hopefully) to put his resume in elsewhere. You know, testing the waters and see if any other offers presented themselves. There was a company in New Hampshire that he had desired to apply for almost a year prior, but he didn't. The timing wasn't right and God wasn't leading him in that direction. Well, he went to their website once again and there was no job position available, but with God and my support, he put in his resume. But we didn't hear back. And so, we considered it a lost cause. We went to Nevada, enjoyed our time there, and Beau was offered a job. I was excited for Beau because it was the boost he needed and he was excited because of the possibilities of working with Ben and Dan. However, the numbers just didn't work. He tried in every way to make the money fit our needs but all the doors were being slammed shut. And believe me, if there was a way to make it work, Beau would have found it. Apparently, however, while we were in Nevada, the New Hampshire company emailed us and wanted to meet Beau. Now, they didn't have a job posted, but they said that they actually created a position for Beau and forwarded him a job description. How cool is that? So, off Beau went to interview for this job. Now, what was even more cool about all of this is that Beau had asked me months prior if I could live anywhere in the US, where would it be? I responded with NC or New England. Well, NH was definitely New England. Anyway, the company in NH offered Beau a job. Not just a job, but an offer that he literally could not refuse. We didn't even negotiate the offer because they were that generous. Yeah for Beau.

Once Beau accepted the job in NH, after much prayer, crunching numbers on paper, and discussion with the family, the doors flew open making everything possible. We know all of that was a God thing. So, on November 12, 2010, Beau drove to New Hampshire to start his new job on November 15. He left me and the 4 boys behind for the sole purpose of hopefully finalizing Carter's adoption. Today is March 14, 2011 and we are still apart. So, you see, I know that God is good and that it is a true blessing to have a great job in today's economy, but being apart is so hard. Being apart is testing my every bit of strength, patience, parenting abilities, and mercy. There are many days that I feel that I am failing miserably in all these areas and other days where I feel like I could conquer the world. I know that God puts us in these positions so that we will look to Him, but I sure wish I would learn whatever lesson He has for me soon.

I am truly thankful for the friends that I have surrounding me with their love, words of encouragement, ears to listen, and their constant redirection of me to my faith and truth from the Bible. I don't know WHEN this will all end, I don't even know for sure HOW this will end, but I do know that I have made it this far with God's hand and my family and friends.

Until next time..........

Reflection on 2009

Everyone is asleep and the house is so quiet. What a great time to focus on 2009. This past year has been such a pivitol year in our family. Beau and I have been tested in many ways, but each time, we still seem to find each other. We have grown stronger in our faith, our marriage, and in our parenting skills. We have had the opportunity to foster 3 children whom we have grown to love. Ambury, whom we have had for 18 months now and was our first foster child, is going to be a Bennett. Beau and I have chosen to rename him Oliver Reid. I never could have imagined previously that we would grow our family in this way....through the foster care program. Ollie and Will are so bonded and it amazes me that although they are not biologically related, they are brothers in every since of the word.

We also had the opportunity to foster a 3 year old little girl named Marlanna. She tested every parenting skill we had. I often feel that we could have done more for her. After 4 months with our family, she returned to her father. I still worry about her and pray for the best.

Just two days after Marlanna left our home, little Carter, 2 months old, joined us. We instantly fell in love with him (especially Beau). He is the sweetest, mild tempered baby I have every been around. It has been a total joy to care for him.

Each child has come to is with a difficult and messy past. It is hard sometimes to believe some of their family history. But with my gift of mercy and Beau's gift of teaching and leadership, we feel empowered through Christ to take care of these children. It has given us a deeper appreciation for our own situations.

But, through all the trials of fostering, Christ has put in our hearts a true joy and love for these children. I often find myself overwhelmed and questioning how we can continue to be a part of this program, but each day I am renewed. God renews me. With God, all things are possible. Thank you Lord.